Today, I'm interrupting your regularly scheduled adoption programming to talk about a portion of life I enjoy. I think I've been taking this little piece of happiness for granted for quite some time.
I love being in the kitchen.
Cooking isn't something I always thought I'd love. When I was first married, I really dug my feet in about spending time in the kitchen. Sure, being Chris' homemaker hero sounded great for about 5 minutes, until I actually tried making a recipe. I mean, the TIME it takes to cook. I had no idea! Even a simple casserole or salad with some chicken and special toppings can take a novice chef a few hours. (Or maybe just me... if it's just me, please just leave it alone... I don't want to know how terribly awkward I used to be in the kitchen...) Adding a few hours to my night after spending 3 hours just to commute to work in Northern Virginia was not how I imagined married life would be.
Add to that being a brand-new military wife trying to navigate my way through the commissary to get our groceries each week. The commissary can be a very stressful place for a brand-new 2nd Lieutenant's wife. The "powers-that-be" ingrain it into your little newlywed head that your husband is an officer. He is going to be a leader of Marines, so you better be a good example. They tell you things, like "don't drive faster than 1 mph in the commissary parking lot, and never wear flip flops on base. Don't chew gum, never wear jeans, get that frizz out of your hair, and if you put too many cookies in your cart, you're done." They tell you to watch how you dress, what you say, how you smile or the way you reach for things, because someone is watching you. And just when you think all is safe, you'll mutter under your breath that those d***, unbehaved, screaming kids the next aisle over better shut up, and there will be a General behind you. He will ask you your husband's name and rank, and then a stamp will go on his permanent record. Actually, not just that, they'll probably just dishonorably discharge him on the spot, because he didn't reign his wife in. And your husband will never be able to get a job again, and you'll be poor and starving, and it will be all your fault for using a four letter word in the commissary.
Alright, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, and I'm proud to say I've never used a four-letter word in the commissary. But seriously, this is how you feel when you walk into the commissary your first couple of months as a military wife.
Despite all these deterrents to cooking, I realized something: my husband's love language is FOOD. Not words of encouragement, physical affection, gifts, quality time, or acts of service. He literally gets fed both physcially and emotionally by eating good food cooked by me. All those other ways of expressing love are perfectly wonderful and nice, and he appreciates those, but he will never feel fully loved unless he is getting home-cooked food from me. I'm not joking. If Chris wasn't blessed with such an amazing coal-fire furnace of a metabolism, I might have found a kind, gentle way to tell him to find a new love language, but this is not the case. Besides, even if his metabolism had special needs, I could still find ways to cook healthy meals for him.
There is something wonderful about giving your spouse exactly what they need. When you see their eyes light up and you can tell they feel perfectly content and loved, really, there's no better feeling. I'm also blessed to have a perfectly grateful and merciful dinner recipient. I have botched more than my fair share of recipes, but Chris eats every single one of them with a smile and tells me "thank you". He has an amazing ability to tell me something is not his favorite while simultaneously making me feel loved and appreciated for my efforts. I think if he started cooking appreciation classes we could save marriages all over the country!
The more I cooked, the more I realized I got something out of it too. There is something incredibly relaxing about chopping vegetables and stirring sauces and not thinking about anything else. It's the kind of relaxation that you can't get by just sitting on the couch watching TV or even reading a good book. There's too much guilt associated with sitting on the couch for too long. With cooking, you feel good about yourself for accomplishing something, but it's a stress-reliever at the same time. The rest of life I'm either at work thinking about how to keep my kids stable and comfortable, and when to call the resident and when to suggest something and when to keep my mouth shut, or I'm at home thinking about when I'll get to meet Holden or what on my list of 100 things to do I should be doing to get ready for him, but when I'm cooking, all of that goes away. It's just me and my kitchen. I'm in charge, and guess what? I don't even have to listen to the recipes. I modify EVERYTHING.
By the way, when a recipe says, "clear" that means "see-through", not "colorless". You might wanna keep that in mind if you're making strawberry candy and you've been stirring it for 2 hours waiting for it to turn "clear".... just sayin'.
After you have a year or two of cooking under your belt, you can look at a recipe and say, "that way of cooking chicken will make it dry and terrible, I'll keep the ingredients but make it this way" or "Please, that is not enough siriachi and way too much coconut milk... I'll do it this way." Honestly, I get such pleasure out of modifying recipes and doing things my own way that sometimes I modify things just because I CAN. I'm nowhere close to being a gourmet cook, but for me I know I've reached the mountaintop of cooking when I can make something like this: Chicken with Olives, which includes two of my husband's most hated ingredients: onions and green olives. And he will eat it.... and he will LIKE IT. It's pretty awesome, I'm not gonna lie.
So bust out those pots and pans (measuring cups optional), play your favorite music, provide your fan-base with a little coaching on how they can best support you, and give cooking a second chance. You can do it, and you will be awesome at it, I promise!
Growing our family through adoption, and other adventures as a military family
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
When is Holden coming home?
The question I get most often regarding the adoption is: "when do you get to bring Holden home?" I would give up my clothing budget, stop eating candy, and pull weeds every day for the rest of my life if I could have the answer to that question. (Those of you who know me best know that's saying a lot!) Unfortunately, adoptions from India don't come with a set timeline. There are a lot of factors that determine the wait. I'll attempt to describe them below. And yes, I agree with everyone else's sentiment that once a child has a family, shouldn't they get to come home as soon as possible? Yes, in an ideal world they should. However, most countries have quite a backlog of work when it comes to adoptions. Holden is not the only child waiting to come home. There are hundreds more who have been waiting along with their families longer than he has. So, we take a number and stand in line.... and hope and pray that India and other countries somehow get "caught up" on their work in the next few years.
Here's what we've done so far in the adoption process. Applied to be Holden's parents and got approved. Then, we had to update our home study to meet India's requirements. Our home study agency was great and got this done in a month's time. Then... our state's department of social services had to approve our home study before it could be sent to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration. This is not a requirement in every state. Unfortunately, that added a good extra month to the process. Once USCIS received all of our paperwork, they approved us pretty quickly...within 3 weeks, I think. They issued us the I800, which basically says that they approve us to be the adoptive parents of Holden, and everything appears to be in order for him to be legally adopted and brought to the U.S. to become a U.S. Citizen. (Usually, you apply for the I800A first - which we in the Fall of 2011 while we were still in the Thailand program. That step required fingerprints from Chris and I and took a little longer to process.) Let me say this about USCIS. We have had nothing but wonderful, helpful experiences working with them. Not what you would expect from a government agency, right? Our adjudication officer talked with us directly on the phone to clarify parts of our application and home study and gave us really good advice on what and when to submit things. Everyone at USCIS has been super nice and helpful and has responded to our inquiries really quickly. Even when we walked in to the USCIS office to get our fingerprints, the workers there were very friendly and helpful. I know not everyone has had that experience with USCIS, but that's been ours. We're super impressed with them and have no complaints.
Wow, this is getting really boring. Maybe it will help someone else considering inter-country adoption to grasp how all this works. If not, I apologize for this incredibly dry post! Plus also, before we could send everything to USCIS, we had to gather up a brand new dossier for India to send to our agency, Holt. The dossier is just a bunch of paperwork (when I say a bunch, I mean A BUNCH!) that describes who we are as people, what jobs we have, our physical health, etc. Then, we had to fill out a bunch of acceptance paperwork regarding Holden. (Again, I mean an enormous, ridiculous, almost gave the notary debilitating carpal tunnel syndrome for life BUNCH!) We had to sign and notarize every page of Holden's medical info and progress reports. Thankfully, since Holden has gotten such great care in India, this meant a TON of papers to sign and notarize. We spent about 2 hours with the notary that day, and the bill came to about $200 worth of notary and shipping fees. Yikes!
Oh wait, and we also had to get the Article 16 to send to USCIS - this is just paperwork that shows that Holden is free and clear for adoption. Holt gathers this up for us. After we got our I800 approval from USCIS, it gets forwarded to the National Visa Center, who then sends it on to the appropriate Consulate in India along with Holden's visa photo. The Indian Consulate then issues their approval of the adoption in the form of Article 5. THEN... all of our paperwork, the dossier and acceptance paperwork and Article 5 get sent to India's Central Adoption Resource Authority, or CARA as we affectionately call them. CARA has to issue us the Non-Objection Certificate, or NOC. This is what we're waiting for right now. I love that it's called the NOC. It's not a resounding approval of the match, it's just India's way of saying, "Well, we don't exactly love the idea of you taking an Indian child and raising them in a mostly white world and removing them from their birth language and culture and religion... but given the fact that this child needs a family, and you seem to love him, I suppose we don't exactly object to this arrangement..." Love it!
Holt told us it would probably be 4-6 weeks to get the NOC. All of our paperwork was mailed to them on May 2nd, so we're now sitting at 6 weeks of waiting tomorrow. Which means, we should have that NOC in our chubby little hands any day now! After we get the NOC, there is sort of a light at the end of the tunnel. Our paperwork gets filed with the Family Court in Bangalore, India. Then, a judge picks a court date for us. We might only have 3 weeks notice to buy our plane tickets and head on over to India to appear before the judge. On this trip, I'll go with a friend and leave Chris behind. I'll get to meet Holden and spend about 2 days visiting with him. Then, 30-60 days after the court date, Chris and I will head back to India to bring Holden home! Here's the catch, though: the courts in Bangalore are really backed up, and have always taken a good long while to pick the court date. In the past, the court date would literally get rescheduled about 5 times. So, just because we might have the NOC in our hands this month doesn't mean we won't be waiting months and months more to get news of that court date. So... when will Holden come home? We have no idea.... no idea.... could be by the end of the summer, could be the fall, could be January 2013. Who knows... I'm hoping not any longer than January, but there are no guarantees.
Plus also, you made it! You're now no more closer to knowing when Holden will come home than you were when you started reading this post a year ago! I'm kind of chuckling an evil little chuckle inside right now; thinking about how frustrated and impatient and confused you are at the moment. Welcome to international adoption, my friend!
If all of this sounds incredibly complicated, you're right. It is. But.. at the same time, it makes sense to ensure things are done ethically and correctly and in the best interests of children who need homes. Is it frustrating and confusing and trying to our patience? Of course! But in the end, we'll be the proud parents of the most darling little boy on the face of the planet. I would do this all over again 100 times to have that kind of happy ending.
Here's what we've done so far in the adoption process. Applied to be Holden's parents and got approved. Then, we had to update our home study to meet India's requirements. Our home study agency was great and got this done in a month's time. Then... our state's department of social services had to approve our home study before it could be sent to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration. This is not a requirement in every state. Unfortunately, that added a good extra month to the process. Once USCIS received all of our paperwork, they approved us pretty quickly...within 3 weeks, I think. They issued us the I800, which basically says that they approve us to be the adoptive parents of Holden, and everything appears to be in order for him to be legally adopted and brought to the U.S. to become a U.S. Citizen. (Usually, you apply for the I800A first - which we in the Fall of 2011 while we were still in the Thailand program. That step required fingerprints from Chris and I and took a little longer to process.) Let me say this about USCIS. We have had nothing but wonderful, helpful experiences working with them. Not what you would expect from a government agency, right? Our adjudication officer talked with us directly on the phone to clarify parts of our application and home study and gave us really good advice on what and when to submit things. Everyone at USCIS has been super nice and helpful and has responded to our inquiries really quickly. Even when we walked in to the USCIS office to get our fingerprints, the workers there were very friendly and helpful. I know not everyone has had that experience with USCIS, but that's been ours. We're super impressed with them and have no complaints.
Wow, this is getting really boring. Maybe it will help someone else considering inter-country adoption to grasp how all this works. If not, I apologize for this incredibly dry post! Plus also, before we could send everything to USCIS, we had to gather up a brand new dossier for India to send to our agency, Holt. The dossier is just a bunch of paperwork (when I say a bunch, I mean A BUNCH!) that describes who we are as people, what jobs we have, our physical health, etc. Then, we had to fill out a bunch of acceptance paperwork regarding Holden. (Again, I mean an enormous, ridiculous, almost gave the notary debilitating carpal tunnel syndrome for life BUNCH!) We had to sign and notarize every page of Holden's medical info and progress reports. Thankfully, since Holden has gotten such great care in India, this meant a TON of papers to sign and notarize. We spent about 2 hours with the notary that day, and the bill came to about $200 worth of notary and shipping fees. Yikes!
Oh wait, and we also had to get the Article 16 to send to USCIS - this is just paperwork that shows that Holden is free and clear for adoption. Holt gathers this up for us. After we got our I800 approval from USCIS, it gets forwarded to the National Visa Center, who then sends it on to the appropriate Consulate in India along with Holden's visa photo. The Indian Consulate then issues their approval of the adoption in the form of Article 5. THEN... all of our paperwork, the dossier and acceptance paperwork and Article 5 get sent to India's Central Adoption Resource Authority, or CARA as we affectionately call them. CARA has to issue us the Non-Objection Certificate, or NOC. This is what we're waiting for right now. I love that it's called the NOC. It's not a resounding approval of the match, it's just India's way of saying, "Well, we don't exactly love the idea of you taking an Indian child and raising them in a mostly white world and removing them from their birth language and culture and religion... but given the fact that this child needs a family, and you seem to love him, I suppose we don't exactly object to this arrangement..." Love it!
Holt told us it would probably be 4-6 weeks to get the NOC. All of our paperwork was mailed to them on May 2nd, so we're now sitting at 6 weeks of waiting tomorrow. Which means, we should have that NOC in our chubby little hands any day now! After we get the NOC, there is sort of a light at the end of the tunnel. Our paperwork gets filed with the Family Court in Bangalore, India. Then, a judge picks a court date for us. We might only have 3 weeks notice to buy our plane tickets and head on over to India to appear before the judge. On this trip, I'll go with a friend and leave Chris behind. I'll get to meet Holden and spend about 2 days visiting with him. Then, 30-60 days after the court date, Chris and I will head back to India to bring Holden home! Here's the catch, though: the courts in Bangalore are really backed up, and have always taken a good long while to pick the court date. In the past, the court date would literally get rescheduled about 5 times. So, just because we might have the NOC in our hands this month doesn't mean we won't be waiting months and months more to get news of that court date. So... when will Holden come home? We have no idea.... no idea.... could be by the end of the summer, could be the fall, could be January 2013. Who knows... I'm hoping not any longer than January, but there are no guarantees.
Plus also, you made it! You're now no more closer to knowing when Holden will come home than you were when you started reading this post a year ago! I'm kind of chuckling an evil little chuckle inside right now; thinking about how frustrated and impatient and confused you are at the moment. Welcome to international adoption, my friend!
If all of this sounds incredibly complicated, you're right. It is. But.. at the same time, it makes sense to ensure things are done ethically and correctly and in the best interests of children who need homes. Is it frustrating and confusing and trying to our patience? Of course! But in the end, we'll be the proud parents of the most darling little boy on the face of the planet. I would do this all over again 100 times to have that kind of happy ending.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
An Update on Our Little Boy
I have been extraordinarily silent for the past few months. In that silence, I have been reading, praying, preparing Holden's room (not even close to being finished!), collecting a toddler boy's wardrobe, and busying myself with anything and everything to keep from dwelling on the wait. I have fussed and fretted over art prints, this train set or that train set, and any number of other completely frivolous and unessential things in order to mask the pain of the only essential thing to me right now: holding my little boy in my arms and telling him how much I love him. My constant prayer for him is that he will know how loved he is. I am so thankful that he has such a wonderful foster family to love and care for him. I pray that through them, he feels our love half a world away, and most importantly, through them, he feels God's love for him.
Finally, finally, I have an update on Holden to share! And now, it's confession time: I received this update at the beginning of May. For the past couple of weeks, I have hoarded it and kept it for myself and a few family members and friends. I delighted in the fact that I finally knew something about my son that others didn't know. I felt like a real Mom for half a second. And then I remembered all the questions the update didn't answer that I so desperately want to know: what is his favorite story? what makes him laugh? what comforts him when he's sad? what is his favorite toy? does he have a favorite blanky or stuffed animal? is he quiet and shy or outgoing and boisterous? does he get frustrated that his legs won't move, or is he so busy crawling around that he doesn't notice? does he know about us yet? has he looked at our pictures? what does he think of it all?
I don't have the answers to those questions yet, but here are some things I do know about our darling boy: He is teeny tiny. He looks like he could be 4 years old in his recent pictures, but his height and weight are super little for 18 months old. That's ok with us, and we know it's rather expected for kids with sacral agenesis. His height has progressed well over the last 3 months, but he lost a pound! I think he just expends so much energy crawling around using just his arms. We may have to put him on a higher calorie diet once he comes home. His appetite and diet in India appear to be very good. He can say mom, dad, brother, grandma, grandpa, food, and doll in his native language of Tamil. After doll, the report just says, "etc." Later, it says he recognizes vehicles and names them like bus, auto, cycle,"etc." (I better start a little vehicle collection for this boy!) Also, I'm riding a bike in one of the pictures we sent to him, I wish I could see his adorable little finger pointing at it and naming it. The report also says, "He is very expressive and jabbers continuously." This makes me so happy. I cannot wait to hear his sweet little voice. He can throw a ball, and he shows a hand preference, but it doesn't say which hand he prefers. He can feed himself little pieces of food and drink from a cup. His therapy report is encouraging and mentions that they are working on "kneel standing" with support right now. I am constantly trying to picture Holden going about his day and wondering what he is doing at the moment. I am so desperate for the day when I can look over and see him on the floor right next to me... when I don't have to wonder about him anymore. I will be his Mom and I will be there every second. I am sad when I think about the seconds, minutes, days, and years we have missed, but I will get over it. I will accept that God's timing is perfect and try to stay sane during this wait.
That's all I know right now, and it will have to keep me until the end of July when another update is due. Either that, or I will be in India at the end of July for the court date! (Not likely, promise me you won't get your hopes up, and I'll try to do the same.) Thanks to everyone who has continued to ask me about Holden and how things are going. Even when I don't have any news to share, it's encouraging to know so many people are cheering for us and impatient for him to come home too.
Finally, finally, I have an update on Holden to share! And now, it's confession time: I received this update at the beginning of May. For the past couple of weeks, I have hoarded it and kept it for myself and a few family members and friends. I delighted in the fact that I finally knew something about my son that others didn't know. I felt like a real Mom for half a second. And then I remembered all the questions the update didn't answer that I so desperately want to know: what is his favorite story? what makes him laugh? what comforts him when he's sad? what is his favorite toy? does he have a favorite blanky or stuffed animal? is he quiet and shy or outgoing and boisterous? does he get frustrated that his legs won't move, or is he so busy crawling around that he doesn't notice? does he know about us yet? has he looked at our pictures? what does he think of it all?
I don't have the answers to those questions yet, but here are some things I do know about our darling boy: He is teeny tiny. He looks like he could be 4 years old in his recent pictures, but his height and weight are super little for 18 months old. That's ok with us, and we know it's rather expected for kids with sacral agenesis. His height has progressed well over the last 3 months, but he lost a pound! I think he just expends so much energy crawling around using just his arms. We may have to put him on a higher calorie diet once he comes home. His appetite and diet in India appear to be very good. He can say mom, dad, brother, grandma, grandpa, food, and doll in his native language of Tamil. After doll, the report just says, "etc." Later, it says he recognizes vehicles and names them like bus, auto, cycle,"etc." (I better start a little vehicle collection for this boy!) Also, I'm riding a bike in one of the pictures we sent to him, I wish I could see his adorable little finger pointing at it and naming it. The report also says, "He is very expressive and jabbers continuously." This makes me so happy. I cannot wait to hear his sweet little voice. He can throw a ball, and he shows a hand preference, but it doesn't say which hand he prefers. He can feed himself little pieces of food and drink from a cup. His therapy report is encouraging and mentions that they are working on "kneel standing" with support right now. I am constantly trying to picture Holden going about his day and wondering what he is doing at the moment. I am so desperate for the day when I can look over and see him on the floor right next to me... when I don't have to wonder about him anymore. I will be his Mom and I will be there every second. I am sad when I think about the seconds, minutes, days, and years we have missed, but I will get over it. I will accept that God's timing is perfect and try to stay sane during this wait.
That's all I know right now, and it will have to keep me until the end of July when another update is due. Either that, or I will be in India at the end of July for the court date! (Not likely, promise me you won't get your hopes up, and I'll try to do the same.) Thanks to everyone who has continued to ask me about Holden and how things are going. Even when I don't have any news to share, it's encouraging to know so many people are cheering for us and impatient for him to come home too.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Namesake
Just when everyone was getting used to thinking of our little boy as "Hudson" we threw everything off and picked a different name! Our son's name will be Holden Anil. To be honest, I really liked Hudson. I had begun thinking of our little guy as Hudson, but Chris just couldn't get on board. He knew a guy with that name, and he really wasn't Chris' favorite person. Don't you hate how one person can ruin a name for you? Sometimes I crack up thinking about an expectant couple discussing names together and one person says, "What about Beth Anne? And the other person says, "No way, I knew a girl with that name, and she was THE WORST!" (I was a pretty ornery little kid, so I wouldn't be surprised if this has happened.) Also, we have friends who are adopting and they just love the name Hudson for a boy, so I'm glad we could save it for them to possibly use. I'm dreaming of the day when my Holden can play with her Hudson.
Back to our son's name: We came up with Holden because we really wanted to keep an H-name. We initially planned to keep our child's original name as their middle name, but in our son's case, this would have left way too much room for jokes and poking fun. His name is super cool in Hindi, but... not so much in English. So, in order to honor his given name, we wanted to at least keep an H. We both love Holden, so it was a pretty easy choice. As for Anil, we wanted to keep some level of Indian heritage involved. I mean, our last name is not going to help AT ALL. I think our last name alone is going to make people look at our son and ask, "So what are you, exactly.......?" Sorry, baby boy, blame it on Daddy! I really wanted to use the name of one of the darling kids from the orphanage in order to honor how much those children touched me and changed my life forever. We went through a big list of all my favorite children, and we settled on Anil.
So let me tell you about Holden's namesake. Anil was full of life and energy. He was so funny and engaging that he always had a little posse of boys following him around. He loved to make goofy faces, ride down the steps on slats of wood, and play cricket. He was a natural leader, and at 11 years old, already had a faith that would put grown men to shame. This little boy wanted to be a missionary to all of India, as he put it. He told us of going back to his small village of farmers in the state of Madhya Pradesh to see his family, and telling some villagers, "this rock is not a god. There is only one God." Anil still had two living parents, but was sent to the orphanage for a chance at an education and food every day. Apparently, the state of malnutrition in Madhya Pradesh is comparable to that seen in Ethiopia. Here is part of what Anil wrote in his testimony that he shared with us: "In this world people need money diamond or richness. But I need only Jesus christ. I thank God for he love me." Anil would be 18 years old today. It's hard to imagine him grown up, and possibly out on his own in the world by now. I pray that God will protect and provide for him. Knowing the faith that he has, I'm confident God will use this young man to do amazing things. If our Holden is anything like Anil, I will be one very proud momma.
Below are some pictures of Anil. I love how well my friend at the orphanage captured his life and personality in these pictures. Here's to you, Anil, please know that you will never be forgotten. You touched my life forever, and I know you will continue to touch the lives of thousands.
Back to our son's name: We came up with Holden because we really wanted to keep an H-name. We initially planned to keep our child's original name as their middle name, but in our son's case, this would have left way too much room for jokes and poking fun. His name is super cool in Hindi, but... not so much in English. So, in order to honor his given name, we wanted to at least keep an H. We both love Holden, so it was a pretty easy choice. As for Anil, we wanted to keep some level of Indian heritage involved. I mean, our last name is not going to help AT ALL. I think our last name alone is going to make people look at our son and ask, "So what are you, exactly.......?" Sorry, baby boy, blame it on Daddy! I really wanted to use the name of one of the darling kids from the orphanage in order to honor how much those children touched me and changed my life forever. We went through a big list of all my favorite children, and we settled on Anil.
So let me tell you about Holden's namesake. Anil was full of life and energy. He was so funny and engaging that he always had a little posse of boys following him around. He loved to make goofy faces, ride down the steps on slats of wood, and play cricket. He was a natural leader, and at 11 years old, already had a faith that would put grown men to shame. This little boy wanted to be a missionary to all of India, as he put it. He told us of going back to his small village of farmers in the state of Madhya Pradesh to see his family, and telling some villagers, "this rock is not a god. There is only one God." Anil still had two living parents, but was sent to the orphanage for a chance at an education and food every day. Apparently, the state of malnutrition in Madhya Pradesh is comparable to that seen in Ethiopia. Here is part of what Anil wrote in his testimony that he shared with us: "In this world people need money diamond or richness. But I need only Jesus christ. I thank God for he love me." Anil would be 18 years old today. It's hard to imagine him grown up, and possibly out on his own in the world by now. I pray that God will protect and provide for him. Knowing the faith that he has, I'm confident God will use this young man to do amazing things. If our Holden is anything like Anil, I will be one very proud momma.
Below are some pictures of Anil. I love how well my friend at the orphanage captured his life and personality in these pictures. Here's to you, Anil, please know that you will never be forgotten. You touched my life forever, and I know you will continue to touch the lives of thousands.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Issues
Over the past couple of weeks, as we have begun preparing to be Holden's parents (yes, we've decided on a name, more on that later), I've thought a lot about the "issues" that might trouble our son's little heart. When we first started this journey last year, I pored over adoption blogs and books, learning everything I could about fostering attachment, love, and trust with our child. We learned about respecting our child's story as their own to share. We learned about making adoption a regular part of our conversations, so that our little one would feel they could always be open and honest with us about their thoughts, feelings, frustrations, sadness, ambivalence, whatever it is that's going on in their hearts and minds. We learned, most of all, that attachment takes a lot of time and patience. We started putting ourselves in our dear one's little shoes: being wrenched from a loving foster mother's arms, taken from a familiar language and people, and put into the arms of people who look very different, speak a language they don't understand, and for some reason, think this is just the greatest thing ever! I love this quote: “Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful”-Keith Griffith I found it on the blog of a teenager who was adopted from Thailand at a young age: http://adoptingmorethanme.wordpress.com/
After learning about attachment, we discovered a completely separate issue--that of parenting a child whose race and ethnicity are different from our own. We learned that, for transracially adopted children, most report that race plays a bigger role in their identity than the fact that they're adopted. So, we switched gears. We started learning about fostering a positive racial identity by making a point to raise our child in as colorful and diverse a world as we possibly can. Making a point to expose our child to meaningful cultural activities that teach them about their birth country and give them pride in their ethnicity. I think the saddest thing I learned in all of our "racial identity" research, was how often transracially adopted children wished they were white. As someone who thinks being white is pretty boring, and has often wished for a more exciting racial background, I just found that so sad--that children who are so beautiful and special just the way they are, wanted to blend in and just be like everyone else. It made me realize how much each of us longs to fit in and belong. The fight to teach our child(ren) how special they are, how loved and valued they are EXACTLY as they are, will be ongoing. Race will always be an issue for our child. It can't be ignored. We can't just say, "race doesn't matter to me" because race matters to our child.
Now, with our darling Holden, we will tackle yet another "issue". The issue of disability. I haven't read the stats, but my guess would be, that a transracially adopted child with a disability would tell you that the disability defines them more than anything else. Unlike the transracially adopted child, who can choose to walk on the opposite side of the street from their parents, who can choose to hang out with children of the same race as them, and be involved in cultural activities of their choosing, our Holden will be stared at no matter what. At the playground and at school, kids will ask him, "Why do you need that wheelchair?" or "Why do you need those sticks?" Every day will be a struggle for him to show others that he's more similar than different from them--that even though he gets around the world differently, he can still have fun. He has the same hopes and dreams and feelings. I think this really hit me, when I thought about the fact that our Holden could be surrounded by all transracially adopted Indian children, and he will STILL be different. He could be surrounded by all children in wheelchairs, and he will STILL be different. I'm guessing a support group of transracially adopted Indian children in wheelchairs probably does not exist! Modern psychology would tell us that our son is destined to have a lot of "issues". This whole thing kind of sounds like a psychological experiment destined to implode on itself, (think Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment, http://www.prisonexp.org/)
After pondering all of this, and, at times, feeling overwhelmed, I kept coming back to one thing: don't we all have issues? Our "disability" might not be evident on the outside, but it's there just the same. I'm not trying to downplay the hardship that people who are physcially different face. I'm just saying, none of us is perfect. God makes that very clear throughout His word. Each of us humbly comes to God with a messed up, sinful heart, with nothing to offer but our broken little selves. And, each of us, on our own, can never solve our issues. I don't believe that all the research, therapy, or support groups in the world could fix our son's issues. I'm not saying we won't continue to seek out those things as a supplement, but in our humble opinion, each person's issues are healed at the feet of Jesus. I like how Ephesians 2:1-10 explains this plan:
"1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
So, our solution to what seems like insurmountable issues in our precious child's heart, is simply to take them to Jesus. To kneel at His feet every day, and offer them up to Him. I'm not saying, that by doing this, we'll guarantee that our son will come to love and trust in Him. That will be his choice alone to make. But I do think that faith in God is the only real hope for a broken heart to be healed. I know I'm not going to make many friends by saying that. I know it seems closed-minded in a world where so many different faiths and beliefs prevail, but I take God at His word. I believe it to be true. I've seen the evidence of Him in my life and the lives of others, and I won't apologize for my unwavering faith. I don't dislike or disrespect anyone who believes something different, but I do wholeheartedly believe that Jesus' blood is what covers and cleanses the sins and imperfections of this world... be they our own sins, or just the sad consequences of living in a world that is so terribly imperfect.
That being said, adopting a child for us has nothing to do with "saving" them or trying to put a checkmark in a box on our Christian works checklist (Yep, that's right, all Christians have a checklist, and they're supposed to complete a minimum of 10 boxes a year.... totally kidding). It has everything to do with allowing God to show us His world as He sees it. It was God who gave us an overwhelming love for this little boy. He blessed us by showing us how He sees this child, how special and marvelous he is.... how much God loves him; how much God loves each of us. If adopting a child were about looking like good little Christians, we would never make it out alive!
After learning about attachment, we discovered a completely separate issue--that of parenting a child whose race and ethnicity are different from our own. We learned that, for transracially adopted children, most report that race plays a bigger role in their identity than the fact that they're adopted. So, we switched gears. We started learning about fostering a positive racial identity by making a point to raise our child in as colorful and diverse a world as we possibly can. Making a point to expose our child to meaningful cultural activities that teach them about their birth country and give them pride in their ethnicity. I think the saddest thing I learned in all of our "racial identity" research, was how often transracially adopted children wished they were white. As someone who thinks being white is pretty boring, and has often wished for a more exciting racial background, I just found that so sad--that children who are so beautiful and special just the way they are, wanted to blend in and just be like everyone else. It made me realize how much each of us longs to fit in and belong. The fight to teach our child(ren) how special they are, how loved and valued they are EXACTLY as they are, will be ongoing. Race will always be an issue for our child. It can't be ignored. We can't just say, "race doesn't matter to me" because race matters to our child.
Now, with our darling Holden, we will tackle yet another "issue". The issue of disability. I haven't read the stats, but my guess would be, that a transracially adopted child with a disability would tell you that the disability defines them more than anything else. Unlike the transracially adopted child, who can choose to walk on the opposite side of the street from their parents, who can choose to hang out with children of the same race as them, and be involved in cultural activities of their choosing, our Holden will be stared at no matter what. At the playground and at school, kids will ask him, "Why do you need that wheelchair?" or "Why do you need those sticks?" Every day will be a struggle for him to show others that he's more similar than different from them--that even though he gets around the world differently, he can still have fun. He has the same hopes and dreams and feelings. I think this really hit me, when I thought about the fact that our Holden could be surrounded by all transracially adopted Indian children, and he will STILL be different. He could be surrounded by all children in wheelchairs, and he will STILL be different. I'm guessing a support group of transracially adopted Indian children in wheelchairs probably does not exist! Modern psychology would tell us that our son is destined to have a lot of "issues". This whole thing kind of sounds like a psychological experiment destined to implode on itself, (think Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment, http://www.prisonexp.org/)
After pondering all of this, and, at times, feeling overwhelmed, I kept coming back to one thing: don't we all have issues? Our "disability" might not be evident on the outside, but it's there just the same. I'm not trying to downplay the hardship that people who are physcially different face. I'm just saying, none of us is perfect. God makes that very clear throughout His word. Each of us humbly comes to God with a messed up, sinful heart, with nothing to offer but our broken little selves. And, each of us, on our own, can never solve our issues. I don't believe that all the research, therapy, or support groups in the world could fix our son's issues. I'm not saying we won't continue to seek out those things as a supplement, but in our humble opinion, each person's issues are healed at the feet of Jesus. I like how Ephesians 2:1-10 explains this plan:
"1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
So, our solution to what seems like insurmountable issues in our precious child's heart, is simply to take them to Jesus. To kneel at His feet every day, and offer them up to Him. I'm not saying, that by doing this, we'll guarantee that our son will come to love and trust in Him. That will be his choice alone to make. But I do think that faith in God is the only real hope for a broken heart to be healed. I know I'm not going to make many friends by saying that. I know it seems closed-minded in a world where so many different faiths and beliefs prevail, but I take God at His word. I believe it to be true. I've seen the evidence of Him in my life and the lives of others, and I won't apologize for my unwavering faith. I don't dislike or disrespect anyone who believes something different, but I do wholeheartedly believe that Jesus' blood is what covers and cleanses the sins and imperfections of this world... be they our own sins, or just the sad consequences of living in a world that is so terribly imperfect.
That being said, adopting a child for us has nothing to do with "saving" them or trying to put a checkmark in a box on our Christian works checklist (Yep, that's right, all Christians have a checklist, and they're supposed to complete a minimum of 10 boxes a year.... totally kidding). It has everything to do with allowing God to show us His world as He sees it. It was God who gave us an overwhelming love for this little boy. He blessed us by showing us how He sees this child, how special and marvelous he is.... how much God loves him; how much God loves each of us. If adopting a child were about looking like good little Christians, we would never make it out alive!
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
So that is where we are right now. We'll continue to learn and research and prepare as best we can to be the loving parents that Holden deserves. But for us, preparing also means growing in our faith and learning to trust in Him minute by minute. You know, it's funny, because Holt just featured our story of finding Holden in their e-newsletter, and I keep thinking, "What is the update one year from now going to look like?" It's so easy to stand on this side of the water, trusting God, but the day to day realities of parenting our little boy will challenge and stretch us in ways we can't even imagine. I'm thankful, that although I'm guessing many people have wondered silently to themselves, "are they CRAZY?!" that no one has dared to speak those words out loud to us. We've received nothing but love, support, and excitement at bringing Holden home. And trust me, people, we're gonna need every ounce of love and support you can give!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
It's a Boy!!!!
Chris and I have been matched with a 15 month-old boy in India! A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. It's been a whirlwind; the good kind of whirlwind that makes wheat fields look gorgeous and blossoms fly and nothing gets destroyed, and the world is just full of more flowers and trees and life because of the whirlwind... I still look back at everything in absolute awe of God and how He has worked. Usually, I try to somewhat edit my blog posts (hey, stop laughing, 3 pages is the edited version for me)... I swear I don't try to write entire book chapters, they just start pouring out. This time, I'm not even going to try. I am going to tell you about our precious child, and I am going to go on and on and on.... As Chris told his Mom last night in reference to talking with me about our child... "just make sure you have an escape route!" I have fallen in love with this little boy. I think everything about him is exquisite and wonderful. I want to plaster his picture on billboards, have Chris write it in the sky that he's ours, and announce it at the Super Bowl. I am so incredibly proud to be his mommy. (Oh no... I am going to be one of those facebook moms that writes a post every time her kid moves his pinky toe or wipes a booger on his shirt....oh well, I guess there are worse things I could be than that...I can't think of any of them right now, but I'm sure there are worse things, right?) Speaking of plastering his picture everywhere. For those of you who have gotten this far, and are yelling, "Where are the PICTURES, jerk?!??! That's all I care about, I want to see the pictures!" We can't post his pictures on the internet. Indian adoption/privacy/kid-friendly laws prohibit it. We can email his pictures to friends and family, as long as they also know not to post the pics on the web. So, just send me a message or email, and I'll show you some pics :) Really, just ask, I'm dying to show him off! Fellow India adoption families, do you have a better solution to this? Is there a secure site where you posted pics and people could access them? It almost feels like I have way less control over where his pictures go if they just keep getting emailed over and over... We're also in the process of setting up private access to a video-sharing site. We'll keep you posted. The videos of him are adorable! He has the cutest personality.... best little boy in the world.
So, back to your regularly scheduled programming about how our son came to be our son. 16 days ago, Chris and I were thinking it would be years before we could bring a child home. We gritted our teeth and hunkered down for a really long wait. Then, on Thursday, January 12th, I saw a blog post from Holt on one of the waiting children. I love to check out these posts, share them on facebook, and pray for these children to find families. This little boy tugged at my heart right away. I thought, "he would be a perfect fit for us, but he's in India. We're not old enough to adopt from India.." Read the blog post here: http://holtinternational.org/blog/2012/01/hope-for-hudson-in-the-new-year/
I figured it was worth a shot, though, to check out India's requirements again. I went to India's Central Adoption Resource Authority website, and I couldn't believe what I read. I almost fell out of my chair with happiness. India had recently changed their guidelines, so that now, married couples only had to be 25 years old to adopt, rather than 30! I contacted Holt, and asked, "is this really true?! Seriously?! We can adopt from India?!?!" India is where my heart has always been. The orphanage in India changed my life. We love Thailand, and have learned so much about Thai culture in the time we were in the Thailand program, but let's face it, God gave me a special place in my heart for India. One of the waiting child program staff emailed me back, and said, "yes, it's true!" She sent me all the information they had on this little boy, so we could begin to research his condition and decide whether or not we wanted to apply to be his parents.
Before we got "Hudson's" information via email (not sure if I can post his Indian name online, so we'll refer to him as Hudson for now), I spoke with Erin from the waiting child program on the phone. She told me all about him, and I froze when she read the words: paralysis of lower limbs. "Oh, I said, so he will need a wheelchair.... ok." She continued to talk about him, and even though my heart was sad that he might never walk, I never felt that he wasn't meant to be our child. After I got off the phone with Erin, I took our dog Gus for a walk and thought about this little boy. I grieved for the things he might miss out on if he couldn't walk, I grieved for him feeling different from his peers and struggling to do what came so easy to everyone else. This whole time, though, I felt God whispering to my heart, "He is yours, I'll be with you every step of the way."
I had a lot of questions, "How are we going to give this little boy everything he needs as a military family? We move every 3 years, can we guarantee that every location will have what he needs, that everywhere we go we can find a wheelchair friendly house, and wheelchair friendly activities for him, and what about the specialists and therapies he will need?" One by one, God answered every single question. I was amazed to discover what resources and specialists we have close to our little southern town, and all the other places we might go over the next 15 years have even more resources than we have here! We could be in San Diego, California - home of the Challenged Athletes Foundation. This organization is amazing - they provide special wheelchairs and other equipment for athletes with disabilities. They provide free mentorships for kids 8 and older. We could be in Quantico, close to D.C. We could be at Camp Pendleton, which is right between San Diego and L.A. We could be in Virginia Beach. The only location I had my doubts about was Camp Lejeune, NC. But the great thing about the military is they have the Exceptional Family Member Program. So basically, they'll never station Chris anywhere that doesn't have adequate resources and care for our child.
Even in our little town, there is horseback riding for kids with disabilities, there are a plethora of swimming pools and obviously, beaches. Wheelchair tennis and basketball organizations are not too far away, and all the medical professionals we need to see are no further than 1.5 hours away. (Yes, I know this seems kinda far, but for a girl who has driven 14 hours in one day to visit family... this is a piece of cake! I just have to figure out how to make car trips fun for Hudson.) Chris started cracking up when I told him about all of this stuff. He said, "You know, he'll only be about 2 years old when we bring him home... I don't think they'll let him go horseback riding just yet." Ok, good point, Chris, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself! All that to say, the more I researched, the more encouraged I was, and the more convinced I became that we could provide this little boy with all the resources, support, love, and encouragement he would need to lead a happy, fulfilling life.
Another amazing answer to prayer was how open Chris was to this little boy from the moment I told him about Hudson. Chris has been adamant that we would know who our child was through a traditional "match". Meaning, we wait in line, Holt picks a kid and says, they're yours!" I, on the other hand, have been pleading with him to consider one of the waiting children for the past year. Amazingly enough, the two waiting children who had been most on my heart before Hudson both had some similar medical and physical needs as he does. I really feel that God used these other two children to prepare our hearts to be open to Hudson. When I told Chris about Hudson, I expected him to say, "absolutely not, we are not applying for a waiting child." Instead, his reaction was, "ok... " and we both started talking about how we could adapt our house for a child in a wheelchair, and how we could give this little boy what he needs. There was definitely some blood, sweat, and tears as I tried to get Chris to make a decision faster. Umm, I threw a spoon into the sink in frustration, that was my worst moment. Chris thought I was going to throw the spoon at his computer, so he was actually impressed with my level of self-control. Yay, me! (Ok, not really, still working on controlling my emotions.) Chris does not like to make up his mind quickly. It's really a great balance to my do-a-triple-back-flip-dive-into-the-deep-end mentality. But I'm not gonna lie... sometimes his brain's processing speed drives me completely coo coo for cocoa puffs! I would ask him, like a used car salesman, "So what can I do to get a Yes out of you today? How can I help that brain of yours along?" Chris responded by saying, "You can quit bugging me, because every moment you distract my brain, it will take me longer to decide." Again, I think God was chuckling at me, thinking "You can't change his mind or heart, Beth Anne, that's MY job!" After all of that, it only took him 4 days to decide. Wow, I am incredibly impatient.
"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9. I know this verse is talking about God's eternal plan for the universe, about saving people for His glory, about when Jesus will come back. But I also think it applies to the promises He writes on each of our hearts. God was not slow in keeping the promise to give us a child to love and care for. He worked everything out in His perfect timing. For those of you who are still driving the endless, circular, monotonous racetrack that is the waiting game, know that God will not be slow in keeping His promises to you too. I am amazed by the fact that, last year when Chris and I first started talking about adoption, our little boy was being born in India. God knew all along. It gives me chills. It takes my breath away. He had this marvelous secret for us. I can just see him waiting with anticipation for the day when He could reveal His plan to us!
Sorry, got sidetracked again. How could I not?! God is just way too cool. Ok, so on Tuesday, January 17th, Chris told me we could apply to be Hudson's parents. By the way, 17 is a special number for us. It was Chris' sports number all through high school and college, and on November 17th, 2003, Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. (He swears he didn't plan it that way.... sure, sure, just like you didn't plan to make me wait 4 days so you could tell me Hudson should be our son on the 17th too!) I wrote to Erin and she sent me all the questionnaires. I spent the next four hours pouring out my heart on those pages. (before you shake your finger at me for filling out all this stuff while Chris was at work, trust me, we had already talked about each and every one of the questions on that list. I already knew what both of our answers were.)
Ok, really, this is getting extremely long, let me cut to the good part...on Monday, January 23, Jessica from the Waiting Child Program called to tell us that we were chosen to be Hudson's parents!! I cried, I was shaking, I couldn't believe it was true. I'm still in shock. I feel like I won the lottery, but instead of winning a bunch of money (useless, right?) I won the gift of a beautiful, precious, smart, social, happy little boy. Wow, Chris and I feel so blessed. So now, we fill out a bunch of paperwork for India. Create a photo album and video to send to Hudson, and wait... It will probably be 6-12 months before we can go get Hudson and bring him home. 6 months would be super extremely amazingly fast. The reason I even dare to mention 6 months is because supposedly, with India's new and improved adoption system, things are supposed to progress a little faster, and kids with "special needs" are supposed to get expedited a bit. I'm not sure where Hudson would fall in this category. He is clearly healthy and happy, but he does have physical needs.
So let me explain a little more about Hudson's condition. I am still struggling to find the balance between what to share and not share. In his case, I'm going to share a lot of the physical stuff, because it will be very obvious, when you meet him, that he's different in that way. I also want to share in the hopes that it might make other adoptive families more open to a child with "special needs". I don't really like the term, "special needs". It kinda reminds me of kids making fun of other kids in elementary school and calling them "special". I heard one parent refer to kids with disabilites as "exceptional children" whereas normal kids were called, "typical." And yes, I know that every child is exceptional to their parents and family, but for now, that's the term I'm going to use: exceptional. I mean, really, the level of work and determination it will take Hudson to do the things that other kids can do without even thinking about it, really is exceptional.
Hudson was born with sacral agenesis, also known as caudal regression syndrome. This condition starts in utero, during the development of the neural tube, but it's different than spina bifida. It can have a similar presentation, but its cause and what's going on in the body are quite different. Fortunately, this condition does not cause hydrocephalus (build-up of fluid in the brain) as spina bifida can. Children with sacral agenesis have normal intelligence and are not at any increased risk for learning disabilities or ADHD, as is the case with spina bifida. Here's what it can cause: absent or malformed sacrum (the sacrum is a triangular bone that has 5 fused vertebrae S1-S5... they don't fuse until adulthood, and sits below the lumbar vertebrae and just above the "tailbone" here's a link to a picture of it and definition: http://www.yourdictionary.com/sacrum
We're not sure exactly what Hudson's sacrum looks like. The MRI report simply says: "posterior element in sacrum are partially deficient and held together by a fibrous band" So I'm sure we'll figure more stuff out once he's home. We do feel really blessed at his overall health and stage of sacral agenesis. Some children born with this condition are missing parts of their lumbar or thoracic spine, can have affected kidneys, have missing bones in their legs or contractures in their legs. Hudson's kidneys are healthy. His lumbar and thoracic spine look great, and his legs are relatively normal. He had a congenital hip dislocation of his L hip and a healed L femur fracture - we think due to his breach position at birth. He had club feet that were casted. (His feet are absolutely adorable, they were just turned on their sides at the ankles, and to be honest, still look a little turned so we'll have to see about that when he gets home.) We also know that he doesn't have normal knee or ankle reflexes, so this tells us his spinal cord and nerves are not functioning properly in his legs. The two doctors who have reviewed his information for us, tell us that they do not think he will ever walk. They also say, "never say never, kids are amazing and always surprise us." We're going to give Hudson the best care we possibly can, and whatever his outcome and level of mobility, we're just fine with that. We're somewhat hopeful, because we've learned that walking depends a lot on hip movement and control, and he appears to have some level of this from the videos we saw. But who knows, it's kind of fun to just be surprised by what he can do when we bring him home. I'm also kind of concerned that he's missing tibias (shin bones) or they are deficient because his calves look different. Chris thinks, "surely, they would have noticed if he was missing his tibias and only had fibulas." Who knows. Another surprise for later!
We've learned about many children with this condition. One kid, Cody, was missing his tibias and patellas (knee caps), so his parents made the very tough decision to amputate his legs above the knee to give him the chance to walk with prosthetics. He is doing great! Here's a video on him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ladcCd9PRLc
Cody's legs were definitely in worse shape than Hudson's are, and to be honest, we don't know yet if Hudson's lower legs can bear weight. If they can bear weight, or if he has no hip movement and control, amputation would be useless. We'll just take things one day at a time. Here's another inspirational story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIcxbotkkco Really, just type in challenged athlete profile in youtube, and you'll find all sorts of stories that will change your perspective on people with "disabilities", or exceptional people.
Ok, now that I've bored you with all of the medical stuff. I'll just conclude by saying this: parenting this precious boy is going to be the biggest challenge of our lives thus far. We are ready! Well, as ready as any parent could even be.... We know there are going to be rough days, days where we are exhausted, and Hudson is exhausted, and we don't want to see another doctor, and we don't want him to have to go through another procedure. There will be days when we're just downright discouraged. Days where we just ache for him to be like every other "typical" kid, not for our sake, but for his. But we're counting on every single day with Hudson being an absolute blessing. We love this little boy with everything we have. We love his fascination with the world and people around him, his enjoyment of being held, his dark curly hair, his sensitive brown eyes, and his round smiley cheeks. We can't wait to discover a million other things that we love about him. We have a conviction that cannot be shaken that God meant for him to be our son. We will not give up, we will not dwell on the hard things, we will trust in God to walk with us every single day.
19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations: 3:19-24
Ok, just read all of Lamentations... it's good stuff.
Also, congratulations if you've made it this far! You clearly do not have adult ADHD!
I just want to thank everyone for all their prayers, support, and encouragement. We have been overhwhelmed by everyone's love and support. We know we will continue to need it, so thanks in advance for that.
The end... for now... of course you know I'm going to keep talking about my precious son for the rest of my life!
So, back to your regularly scheduled programming about how our son came to be our son. 16 days ago, Chris and I were thinking it would be years before we could bring a child home. We gritted our teeth and hunkered down for a really long wait. Then, on Thursday, January 12th, I saw a blog post from Holt on one of the waiting children. I love to check out these posts, share them on facebook, and pray for these children to find families. This little boy tugged at my heart right away. I thought, "he would be a perfect fit for us, but he's in India. We're not old enough to adopt from India.." Read the blog post here: http://holtinternational.org/blog/2012/01/hope-for-hudson-in-the-new-year/
I figured it was worth a shot, though, to check out India's requirements again. I went to India's Central Adoption Resource Authority website, and I couldn't believe what I read. I almost fell out of my chair with happiness. India had recently changed their guidelines, so that now, married couples only had to be 25 years old to adopt, rather than 30! I contacted Holt, and asked, "is this really true?! Seriously?! We can adopt from India?!?!" India is where my heart has always been. The orphanage in India changed my life. We love Thailand, and have learned so much about Thai culture in the time we were in the Thailand program, but let's face it, God gave me a special place in my heart for India. One of the waiting child program staff emailed me back, and said, "yes, it's true!" She sent me all the information they had on this little boy, so we could begin to research his condition and decide whether or not we wanted to apply to be his parents.
Before we got "Hudson's" information via email (not sure if I can post his Indian name online, so we'll refer to him as Hudson for now), I spoke with Erin from the waiting child program on the phone. She told me all about him, and I froze when she read the words: paralysis of lower limbs. "Oh, I said, so he will need a wheelchair.... ok." She continued to talk about him, and even though my heart was sad that he might never walk, I never felt that he wasn't meant to be our child. After I got off the phone with Erin, I took our dog Gus for a walk and thought about this little boy. I grieved for the things he might miss out on if he couldn't walk, I grieved for him feeling different from his peers and struggling to do what came so easy to everyone else. This whole time, though, I felt God whispering to my heart, "He is yours, I'll be with you every step of the way."
I had a lot of questions, "How are we going to give this little boy everything he needs as a military family? We move every 3 years, can we guarantee that every location will have what he needs, that everywhere we go we can find a wheelchair friendly house, and wheelchair friendly activities for him, and what about the specialists and therapies he will need?" One by one, God answered every single question. I was amazed to discover what resources and specialists we have close to our little southern town, and all the other places we might go over the next 15 years have even more resources than we have here! We could be in San Diego, California - home of the Challenged Athletes Foundation. This organization is amazing - they provide special wheelchairs and other equipment for athletes with disabilities. They provide free mentorships for kids 8 and older. We could be in Quantico, close to D.C. We could be at Camp Pendleton, which is right between San Diego and L.A. We could be in Virginia Beach. The only location I had my doubts about was Camp Lejeune, NC. But the great thing about the military is they have the Exceptional Family Member Program. So basically, they'll never station Chris anywhere that doesn't have adequate resources and care for our child.
Even in our little town, there is horseback riding for kids with disabilities, there are a plethora of swimming pools and obviously, beaches. Wheelchair tennis and basketball organizations are not too far away, and all the medical professionals we need to see are no further than 1.5 hours away. (Yes, I know this seems kinda far, but for a girl who has driven 14 hours in one day to visit family... this is a piece of cake! I just have to figure out how to make car trips fun for Hudson.) Chris started cracking up when I told him about all of this stuff. He said, "You know, he'll only be about 2 years old when we bring him home... I don't think they'll let him go horseback riding just yet." Ok, good point, Chris, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself! All that to say, the more I researched, the more encouraged I was, and the more convinced I became that we could provide this little boy with all the resources, support, love, and encouragement he would need to lead a happy, fulfilling life.
Another amazing answer to prayer was how open Chris was to this little boy from the moment I told him about Hudson. Chris has been adamant that we would know who our child was through a traditional "match". Meaning, we wait in line, Holt picks a kid and says, they're yours!" I, on the other hand, have been pleading with him to consider one of the waiting children for the past year. Amazingly enough, the two waiting children who had been most on my heart before Hudson both had some similar medical and physical needs as he does. I really feel that God used these other two children to prepare our hearts to be open to Hudson. When I told Chris about Hudson, I expected him to say, "absolutely not, we are not applying for a waiting child." Instead, his reaction was, "ok... " and we both started talking about how we could adapt our house for a child in a wheelchair, and how we could give this little boy what he needs. There was definitely some blood, sweat, and tears as I tried to get Chris to make a decision faster. Umm, I threw a spoon into the sink in frustration, that was my worst moment. Chris thought I was going to throw the spoon at his computer, so he was actually impressed with my level of self-control. Yay, me! (Ok, not really, still working on controlling my emotions.) Chris does not like to make up his mind quickly. It's really a great balance to my do-a-triple-back-flip-dive-into-the-deep-end mentality. But I'm not gonna lie... sometimes his brain's processing speed drives me completely coo coo for cocoa puffs! I would ask him, like a used car salesman, "So what can I do to get a Yes out of you today? How can I help that brain of yours along?" Chris responded by saying, "You can quit bugging me, because every moment you distract my brain, it will take me longer to decide." Again, I think God was chuckling at me, thinking "You can't change his mind or heart, Beth Anne, that's MY job!" After all of that, it only took him 4 days to decide. Wow, I am incredibly impatient.
"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9. I know this verse is talking about God's eternal plan for the universe, about saving people for His glory, about when Jesus will come back. But I also think it applies to the promises He writes on each of our hearts. God was not slow in keeping the promise to give us a child to love and care for. He worked everything out in His perfect timing. For those of you who are still driving the endless, circular, monotonous racetrack that is the waiting game, know that God will not be slow in keeping His promises to you too. I am amazed by the fact that, last year when Chris and I first started talking about adoption, our little boy was being born in India. God knew all along. It gives me chills. It takes my breath away. He had this marvelous secret for us. I can just see him waiting with anticipation for the day when He could reveal His plan to us!
Sorry, got sidetracked again. How could I not?! God is just way too cool. Ok, so on Tuesday, January 17th, Chris told me we could apply to be Hudson's parents. By the way, 17 is a special number for us. It was Chris' sports number all through high school and college, and on November 17th, 2003, Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. (He swears he didn't plan it that way.... sure, sure, just like you didn't plan to make me wait 4 days so you could tell me Hudson should be our son on the 17th too!) I wrote to Erin and she sent me all the questionnaires. I spent the next four hours pouring out my heart on those pages. (before you shake your finger at me for filling out all this stuff while Chris was at work, trust me, we had already talked about each and every one of the questions on that list. I already knew what both of our answers were.)
Ok, really, this is getting extremely long, let me cut to the good part...on Monday, January 23, Jessica from the Waiting Child Program called to tell us that we were chosen to be Hudson's parents!! I cried, I was shaking, I couldn't believe it was true. I'm still in shock. I feel like I won the lottery, but instead of winning a bunch of money (useless, right?) I won the gift of a beautiful, precious, smart, social, happy little boy. Wow, Chris and I feel so blessed. So now, we fill out a bunch of paperwork for India. Create a photo album and video to send to Hudson, and wait... It will probably be 6-12 months before we can go get Hudson and bring him home. 6 months would be super extremely amazingly fast. The reason I even dare to mention 6 months is because supposedly, with India's new and improved adoption system, things are supposed to progress a little faster, and kids with "special needs" are supposed to get expedited a bit. I'm not sure where Hudson would fall in this category. He is clearly healthy and happy, but he does have physical needs.
So let me explain a little more about Hudson's condition. I am still struggling to find the balance between what to share and not share. In his case, I'm going to share a lot of the physical stuff, because it will be very obvious, when you meet him, that he's different in that way. I also want to share in the hopes that it might make other adoptive families more open to a child with "special needs". I don't really like the term, "special needs". It kinda reminds me of kids making fun of other kids in elementary school and calling them "special". I heard one parent refer to kids with disabilites as "exceptional children" whereas normal kids were called, "typical." And yes, I know that every child is exceptional to their parents and family, but for now, that's the term I'm going to use: exceptional. I mean, really, the level of work and determination it will take Hudson to do the things that other kids can do without even thinking about it, really is exceptional.
Hudson was born with sacral agenesis, also known as caudal regression syndrome. This condition starts in utero, during the development of the neural tube, but it's different than spina bifida. It can have a similar presentation, but its cause and what's going on in the body are quite different. Fortunately, this condition does not cause hydrocephalus (build-up of fluid in the brain) as spina bifida can. Children with sacral agenesis have normal intelligence and are not at any increased risk for learning disabilities or ADHD, as is the case with spina bifida. Here's what it can cause: absent or malformed sacrum (the sacrum is a triangular bone that has 5 fused vertebrae S1-S5... they don't fuse until adulthood, and sits below the lumbar vertebrae and just above the "tailbone" here's a link to a picture of it and definition: http://www.yourdictionary.com/sacrum
We're not sure exactly what Hudson's sacrum looks like. The MRI report simply says: "posterior element in sacrum are partially deficient and held together by a fibrous band" So I'm sure we'll figure more stuff out once he's home. We do feel really blessed at his overall health and stage of sacral agenesis. Some children born with this condition are missing parts of their lumbar or thoracic spine, can have affected kidneys, have missing bones in their legs or contractures in their legs. Hudson's kidneys are healthy. His lumbar and thoracic spine look great, and his legs are relatively normal. He had a congenital hip dislocation of his L hip and a healed L femur fracture - we think due to his breach position at birth. He had club feet that were casted. (His feet are absolutely adorable, they were just turned on their sides at the ankles, and to be honest, still look a little turned so we'll have to see about that when he gets home.) We also know that he doesn't have normal knee or ankle reflexes, so this tells us his spinal cord and nerves are not functioning properly in his legs. The two doctors who have reviewed his information for us, tell us that they do not think he will ever walk. They also say, "never say never, kids are amazing and always surprise us." We're going to give Hudson the best care we possibly can, and whatever his outcome and level of mobility, we're just fine with that. We're somewhat hopeful, because we've learned that walking depends a lot on hip movement and control, and he appears to have some level of this from the videos we saw. But who knows, it's kind of fun to just be surprised by what he can do when we bring him home. I'm also kind of concerned that he's missing tibias (shin bones) or they are deficient because his calves look different. Chris thinks, "surely, they would have noticed if he was missing his tibias and only had fibulas." Who knows. Another surprise for later!
We've learned about many children with this condition. One kid, Cody, was missing his tibias and patellas (knee caps), so his parents made the very tough decision to amputate his legs above the knee to give him the chance to walk with prosthetics. He is doing great! Here's a video on him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ladcCd9PRLc
Cody's legs were definitely in worse shape than Hudson's are, and to be honest, we don't know yet if Hudson's lower legs can bear weight. If they can bear weight, or if he has no hip movement and control, amputation would be useless. We'll just take things one day at a time. Here's another inspirational story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIcxbotkkco Really, just type in challenged athlete profile in youtube, and you'll find all sorts of stories that will change your perspective on people with "disabilities", or exceptional people.
Ok, now that I've bored you with all of the medical stuff. I'll just conclude by saying this: parenting this precious boy is going to be the biggest challenge of our lives thus far. We are ready! Well, as ready as any parent could even be.... We know there are going to be rough days, days where we are exhausted, and Hudson is exhausted, and we don't want to see another doctor, and we don't want him to have to go through another procedure. There will be days when we're just downright discouraged. Days where we just ache for him to be like every other "typical" kid, not for our sake, but for his. But we're counting on every single day with Hudson being an absolute blessing. We love this little boy with everything we have. We love his fascination with the world and people around him, his enjoyment of being held, his dark curly hair, his sensitive brown eyes, and his round smiley cheeks. We can't wait to discover a million other things that we love about him. We have a conviction that cannot be shaken that God meant for him to be our son. We will not give up, we will not dwell on the hard things, we will trust in God to walk with us every single day.
19 "I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations: 3:19-24
Ok, just read all of Lamentations... it's good stuff.
Also, congratulations if you've made it this far! You clearly do not have adult ADHD!
I just want to thank everyone for all their prayers, support, and encouragement. We have been overhwhelmed by everyone's love and support. We know we will continue to need it, so thanks in advance for that.
The end... for now... of course you know I'm going to keep talking about my precious son for the rest of my life!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Timing is Everything
We received some interesting news this week about the timing of our referral (aka., getting matched with a child). Chris is scheduled to deploy in Spring of 2013, to return in the Fall of 2013. This deployment seems pretty certain right now. The military often changes their minds/schedules/etc., but this one seems unlikely to change. I am so very glad we let our social worker at Holt know about this schedule. She had some very interesting news for us. Thailand can only "hold up" a couple coming to get their child for less than 1 month. After that, too bad, so sad, that child will go to someone else deemed more fit. I see their reasoning: if you can't come get your child right away, we'll give them to someone who can, and what kind of parents are you, anyways, isn't this child the most important thing in the world to you? Also, both parents have to be present to get their child and appear before the adoption board. I don't even think Thailand allows single people to adopt, so this may explain some of their reasoning on this one. (Shh, don't tell them Chris will probably deploy about 6-10 times in the next 16 years... they might just tear up our dossier altogether...)
And yes, we prayerfully considered how a military lifestyle and daddy being gone on deployments would affect our future children. We know that adoption can often make future losses even harder for a child, so it really is a lot to ask of them. We prayed, we felt a peace about it that God would give us strength and help us give our little ones everything they need to cope. We just couldn't say no to children who need families. We might not seem like the perfect family on paper, but we're going to give it all we've got :)
So back to the timing issue, there are really only two options: Either we will get a ridiculouslycrazyinsaneunexplainablemiraculous early match this March. (Absolutely not likely at all, I mean less than 1% chance... we are #13, other couples are open to medical conditions, this would absolutely be God placing a little one in our hands and saying, "This is my will, this child is for you, this is my timing." OR... we will get matched next March. Holt will hold us back from a match for June, September, and December referrals, and then jump us back into the referral group for March of 2013.
Why is this: A June 2012 match would put us getting our child sometime between March and May 2013. Either just in time for Chris' deployment, or just after... no good, and Chris needs to be present for at least one post-placement visit. (They happen at 2,4, and 6 months home with our child.) A September match is even worse, right in the middle of Chris' deployment....not happening. A December match is too iffy: He might not be back in time to go get our child. And we can't imagine if the timing didn't work out, having to give up our precious one just because Thailand couldn't delay things one more month for us.
So March of 2013 it is (barring the miracle I mentioned above.) Then we would be set to get our child in Thailand around December 2013-February 2014. There are many positives to this: Chris and I would have gotten through our first deployment. We will have 2 YEARS to prepare for being parents, to grow in our faith, to save for maybe 3 more adoptions. 2 YEARS to read and learn about adoption, to learn Thai, to collect darling little trinkets and make and sew treasures for our long-awaited child. 2 YEARS to learn patience, and maturity, and trust in God.
Before you start thinking, "Wow, I wish I had her patience, what a great attitude!" A few days ago, this was NOT where my heart was. A few days ago, I said to Chris, "I hate your stupid job! Why can't you just deploy now?" Wow, that's pretty hurtful. I basically said, "I'm not thankful for the extra year God has given us together before your first deployment, just leave so we can get a child faster...." And, "I hate your stupid job." is pretty much the biggest lie I've ever told. I am so incredibly proud of Chris and what he does. I can't imagine him doing anything else. I can't imagine not being a Marine Corps wife. This is God's purpose for us right now. I have no doubts about that. I let my emotions and my immaturity get the best of me. Something I really need to work on in the next 2 years. Chris, as usual, stayed completely calm, and patient, and waited until I was ready to apologize 10 minutes later. (It doesn't usually take me too long after an outburst to realize I was a total jerkface.) Why can't I just shove a cookie in my mouth or something?
Thankfully, God has humbled me. He has gently let me know, once again, that He's in control of all of this. We will have our child when He wants us to have our child. We will have the child He wants us to have. We will trust Him in the meantime. A few weeks ago, God led me to Isaiah 49. I shared this passage with a friend, who was also struggling with waiting through their adoption process. Little did I know that God was speaking to me too. In this passage, Isaiah is telling the Israelites what Jesus will someday do. The Israelites have been in exile in Babylon for over 2 generations. When finally, there is hope. The Persian King Cyrus overthrows Babylon and frees the Israelites. I'm claiming this truth for my life...for all the children out there waiting patiently for their families and unconditional love...
Isaiah 49: 14-18 (emphasis mine)
14"But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
17 Your children hasten back,
and those who laid you waste depart from you.
18 Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your children gather and come to you. As surely as I live,” declares the LORD,
“you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.
Oh, and if we do get that ridiculouslycrazyinsaneunexplainablemiraculous early match this March... you'll be the first to know :)
And yes, we prayerfully considered how a military lifestyle and daddy being gone on deployments would affect our future children. We know that adoption can often make future losses even harder for a child, so it really is a lot to ask of them. We prayed, we felt a peace about it that God would give us strength and help us give our little ones everything they need to cope. We just couldn't say no to children who need families. We might not seem like the perfect family on paper, but we're going to give it all we've got :)
So back to the timing issue, there are really only two options: Either we will get a ridiculouslycrazyinsaneunexplainablemiraculous early match this March. (Absolutely not likely at all, I mean less than 1% chance... we are #13, other couples are open to medical conditions, this would absolutely be God placing a little one in our hands and saying, "This is my will, this child is for you, this is my timing." OR... we will get matched next March. Holt will hold us back from a match for June, September, and December referrals, and then jump us back into the referral group for March of 2013.
Why is this: A June 2012 match would put us getting our child sometime between March and May 2013. Either just in time for Chris' deployment, or just after... no good, and Chris needs to be present for at least one post-placement visit. (They happen at 2,4, and 6 months home with our child.) A September match is even worse, right in the middle of Chris' deployment....not happening. A December match is too iffy: He might not be back in time to go get our child. And we can't imagine if the timing didn't work out, having to give up our precious one just because Thailand couldn't delay things one more month for us.
So March of 2013 it is (barring the miracle I mentioned above.) Then we would be set to get our child in Thailand around December 2013-February 2014. There are many positives to this: Chris and I would have gotten through our first deployment. We will have 2 YEARS to prepare for being parents, to grow in our faith, to save for maybe 3 more adoptions. 2 YEARS to read and learn about adoption, to learn Thai, to collect darling little trinkets and make and sew treasures for our long-awaited child. 2 YEARS to learn patience, and maturity, and trust in God.
Before you start thinking, "Wow, I wish I had her patience, what a great attitude!" A few days ago, this was NOT where my heart was. A few days ago, I said to Chris, "I hate your stupid job! Why can't you just deploy now?" Wow, that's pretty hurtful. I basically said, "I'm not thankful for the extra year God has given us together before your first deployment, just leave so we can get a child faster...." And, "I hate your stupid job." is pretty much the biggest lie I've ever told. I am so incredibly proud of Chris and what he does. I can't imagine him doing anything else. I can't imagine not being a Marine Corps wife. This is God's purpose for us right now. I have no doubts about that. I let my emotions and my immaturity get the best of me. Something I really need to work on in the next 2 years. Chris, as usual, stayed completely calm, and patient, and waited until I was ready to apologize 10 minutes later. (It doesn't usually take me too long after an outburst to realize I was a total jerkface.) Why can't I just shove a cookie in my mouth or something?
Thankfully, God has humbled me. He has gently let me know, once again, that He's in control of all of this. We will have our child when He wants us to have our child. We will have the child He wants us to have. We will trust Him in the meantime. A few weeks ago, God led me to Isaiah 49. I shared this passage with a friend, who was also struggling with waiting through their adoption process. Little did I know that God was speaking to me too. In this passage, Isaiah is telling the Israelites what Jesus will someday do. The Israelites have been in exile in Babylon for over 2 generations. When finally, there is hope. The Persian King Cyrus overthrows Babylon and frees the Israelites. I'm claiming this truth for my life...for all the children out there waiting patiently for their families and unconditional love...
Isaiah 49: 14-18 (emphasis mine)
14"But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
17 Your children hasten back,
and those who laid you waste depart from you.
18 Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your children gather and come to you. As surely as I live,” declares the LORD,
“you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.
Oh, and if we do get that ridiculouslycrazyinsaneunexplainablemiraculous early match this March... you'll be the first to know :)
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