Once Upon A Time, I Had a Lovely Toddler Shower

     Ten days ago, some dear and lovely ladies, and one special person in particular, put on the most wonderful toddler shower to celebrate Holden.  I smile every time I think about it.  I just can't get over how honored I felt that these women came together to celebrate my precious little boy.  Even more surprising is the fact that although none of us have a definite date on when he might come home, they wanted to celebrate him nevertheless. 

    If you keep reading, you'll discover that we are one glorious step closer to bringing him home.  More on that later...

FIRST, I have to tell you about this splendid shower.
   
  I walked in to Christina's house, and it smelled magnificent.  She made Indian food!  I know, RIGHT?!  I can't believe she would take the time and effort to plan an Indian menu to honor Holden.  Indian food is not easy to make, believe me, I've tried!  I've got to get her chicken curry and lentil curry recipes, because they were DELICIOUS!  She also had a coconut-lime drink that was to-die-for, and Lisa brought key lime pie dessert cups - they were so cute and yummy! 
     Plus also, one advantage to adopting is that you can still have alcohol... just sayin'... it's a nice little bonus when you're at an event and the hostess makes the most delicious mixed drink on the planet.  I'm not an alkie or anything, but it's nice to have a little thing or two to rub in the faces of those ladies who have actual due dates for their babies...(jealous much?  naaaahh, not me!)...I mean... I still have normal-sized, non-puffy size 6 feet, so... who can complain about an elephant-length gestation with those little perks?  (FYI: an elephant's gestation is 22 months.  Chris and I applied to adopt with Holt in November of 2010.  So bringing Holden home in September would equal an elephant's gestation... looks like we're giving birth to an extremely overdue, ginormous elephant baby then!) 
      Back to the shower, which was amazing, and also included among its guests, one aforementioned pregnant lady with a due date coming very soon... so excited for you Jackie!  Also, I'm very impressed that you made it through an afternoon of Indian smells.  That takes skill when you're pregnant! 

     When I turned around, I saw this hanging from the mantle:

     Is this not the most adorable pennant you've ever seen?!  The vibrant colors will go perfectly with Holden's brightly colored room... can't wait to finish the room so I can really show this pennant off.  I love the pennant trend that's been going strong for a while now.  Pennants scream happiness and parties and celebration, so their use in baby and children's rooms is perfect.  It's such a fun way to say, "we're so overjoyed that you're here." 

     I got such fun gifts too: like this bath boat with fishing pole... even Chris had fun with this one! 

He was not as big a fan of the music set... but I promised to hide it away when he comes home from work.

We're all convinced Holden will be chasing Gus around the house trying fix him up and/or shove him into this tiny kennel that came with his vet kit.

And this happy, giddy, bowling set is just too fun

Love this little shirt set...adorbs!  I'm such a sucker for preppy little boy clothes. 

Lisa, the commanding officer's wife, gave this sippy cup as part of her gift.  How special is that?!  I love it! 

    We got tons of other cute and/or useful items.  Thank you so much, everyone!  Overall, I'm just overwhelmed by the support Chris and I have received from his squadron and the spouses.  When we first mentioned the adoption to the guys in the squadron, we thought for sure the response we'd get was, "Are you serious?  This is the Marine Corps.  You don't have time to skip all over the globe adopting orphans."  Instead, we've received nothing but encouragement, excitement, and overwhelming support to bring Holden home.  We feel so grateful to be part of this squadron.  We've made so many wonderful friends, and it really does feel like a family.  The military is pretty unique that way.  You may have to live far from home but you develop such close friendships and a network of support that becomes your second family.  We are so incredibly blessed to have our Marine Corps family.  When the wait seems like forever, it's encouraging to know there are so many friends who have come alongside us, waiting and laboring with us to bring Holden home. 

     Speaking of bringing Holden home, I have some news to share!  Remember that little stamp of approval we needed from the ARC/SARA committee at the state-level?  Guess what?!?  We got it today!!  This extra step really had me stressed out.  It could have easily stretched into months of waiting.  Last night I couldn't sleep.  I stayed up praying about this situation, so discouraged at the timeline of things and wondering when we might have news.  I can't get over the fact that at the very moments I was praying for progress and encouragement, God was answering my prayers with an approval meeting in India!  Now, our papers really do go to CARA.  The wait for their NOC should be 4-6 weeks... but no guarantees.  After the NOC, we wait for our actual court date in India.  Either way, another check box is complete.  We are one step closer to bringing Holden home.  Let's just pray India doesn't add any more steps, and that the last 2 big steps come amazingly fast. 

Alright? 

Alright. 

Yut. 

Where in the World is Holden San Diego?

     This post isn't really about where Holden is.  Fortunately, we know he's with a loving foster family who are supported and trained by an amazing orphanage in Bangalore, India.  His foster family, and the orphanage, VCT, give him everything he needs: food, clothing, affection, help with physical therapy... everything, that is, but the ability to be his permanent family and to teach him about how cool God is.  We are so very blessed that this foster family is there to fill in the gap for us.  I can't imagine making it through this wait if I thought my child was not getting the love, attention, and care he needed. 
     This post is about where in the world all of our adoption papers are.  We mistakenly thought that for the last 8 weeks our adoption papers, or dossier, was with CARA - India's Central Adoption Resource Authority, and that we were simply waiting for their stamp of approval, or NOC.  It turns out, however, that CARA has decided to add an extra step to the adoption process.  I just LOVE extra steps!  They are so much fun! 
     CARA decided that each state must have an Adoption Recommendation Committee (ARC).  The state ARC must first issue their approval of our adoption before everything gets sent to CARA for the NOC.  This makes perfect sense, because certainly, if we were approved by the state of South Carolina, approve by U.S. Citizenship and Immigration, approved by Holt, and will also need approval by CARA and a judge in Bangalore, surely, that is just not quite enough approvals to be certain that this adoption is a good thing.  We have been informed that the ARC for Karnataka (Holden's state) has not met for two months, and no one is sure when they might meet again.  Today, we found out that a State Adoption Resource Agency (SARA) meeting was scheduled recently, but it did not take place.  So, our papers remain with the Department of Women and Child Development of Karnataka.  I believe the DWCD is similar to the department of Children and Family Services that we see in U.S.  I think they support things like early childhood education and prevention, and address allegations of abuse and removing children from homes.  This is where I am trying to think positively.  I am trying to give these wonderful, hard-working people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they are far too overwhelmed with children who are starving or abused and situations that must be addressed ASAP, and they cannot seem to find the time to move things along for children who are already safe and taken care of.  I get that, I really do.  It doesn't make the waiting easy, but I certainly don't want any children who are in danger or starving to get overlooked.  If, in fact, these lovely people are just sitting around watching youtube videos and picking their noses, I just don't even want to know.  Please don't shatter my angelic view of them.  It's helping me get through this! 
     Whew, I thought fighter jet pilots over-did it on the acronyms, it turns out the adoption community is quite fond of them as well!  I wonder if they use call signs around the office...
     All that to say, not only do we not know when Holden gets to come home, but we are positive that delays are happening and will continue to happen.  At this point, I'll be thrilled if we get to bring Holden home by January.  Chris and I were talking last night about how we're starting to worry that everyone thinks we've made this adoption up!  I mean, all these delays and little steps seem like fiction.  We're fortunate to have watched many friends go through the adoption process in Thailand and other countries, and realize that these delays and extra steps are just part of the process.  They seem to happen in almost every inter-country adoption.  We promise, Holden is real, and he will really be our son!  It's just not going to happen on our timing. 
     I have faith that God is in control of all of this.  He will not abandon us, and more importantly, He will not abandon Holden.  The same God who blessed Hannah with a son after years of waiting and praying (1 Samuel 1), is the same God who blessed Elizabeth with a son after years of waiting and praying, (Luke 1), and He's my God too.  I read a verse today that really encouraged me: "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance taught in the scriptures, and the encouragement they provide, we might have hope." Romans 15:4  I serve a God who loves to give His children good things.  I serve a God who's in control of the tiniest details of my life and the biggest ones too.  I will choose to wait patiently for His plan to be fulfilled.  I choose hope. 
  

Barefoot in the Kitchen

     Today, I'm interrupting your regularly scheduled adoption programming to talk about a portion of life I enjoy.  I think I've been taking this little piece of happiness for granted for quite some time.

                                                     I love being in the kitchen. 

     Cooking isn't something I always thought I'd love.  When I was first married, I really dug my feet in about spending time in the kitchen.  Sure, being Chris' homemaker hero sounded great for about 5 minutes, until I actually tried making a recipe.  I mean, the TIME it takes to cook.  I had no idea!  Even a simple casserole or salad with some chicken and special toppings can take a novice chef a few hours.  (Or maybe just me... if it's just me, please just leave it alone... I don't want to know how terribly awkward I used to be in the kitchen...)  Adding a few hours to my night after spending 3 hours just to commute to work in Northern Virginia was not how I imagined married life would be.
     Add to that being a brand-new military wife trying to navigate my way through the commissary to get our groceries each week.  The commissary can be a very stressful place for a brand-new 2nd Lieutenant's wife.  The "powers-that-be" ingrain it into your little newlywed head that your husband is an officer.  He is going to be a leader of Marines, so you better be a good example.  They tell you things, like "don't drive faster than 1 mph in the commissary parking lot, and never wear flip flops on base.  Don't chew gum, never wear jeans, get that frizz out of your hair, and if you put too many cookies in your cart, you're done."  They tell you to watch how you dress, what you say, how you smile or the way you reach for things, because someone is watching you.  And just when you think all is safe, you'll mutter under your breath that those d***, unbehaved, screaming kids the next aisle over better shut up, and there will be a General behind you.  He will ask you your husband's name and rank, and then a stamp will go on his permanent record.  Actually, not just that, they'll probably just dishonorably discharge him on the spot, because he didn't reign his wife in.  And your husband will never be able to get a job again, and you'll be poor and starving, and it will be all your fault for using a four letter word in the commissary. 
     Alright, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, and I'm proud to say I've never used a four-letter word in the commissary.  But seriously, this is how you feel when you walk into the commissary your first couple of months as a military wife. 
     Despite all these deterrents to cooking, I realized something: my husband's love language is FOOD.  Not words of encouragement, physical affection, gifts, quality time, or acts of service.  He literally gets fed both physcially and emotionally by eating good food cooked by me.  All those other ways of expressing love are perfectly wonderful and nice, and he appreciates those, but he will never feel fully loved unless he is getting home-cooked food from me.  I'm not joking.  If Chris wasn't blessed with such an amazing coal-fire furnace of a metabolism, I might have found a kind, gentle way to tell him to find a new love language, but this is not the case.  Besides, even if his metabolism had special needs, I could still find ways to cook healthy meals for him. 
     There is something wonderful about giving your spouse exactly what they need.  When you see their eyes light up and you can tell they feel perfectly content and loved, really, there's no better feeling.  I'm also blessed to have a perfectly grateful and merciful dinner recipient.  I have botched more than my fair share of recipes, but Chris eats every single one of them with a smile and tells me "thank you".  He has an amazing ability to tell me something is not his favorite while simultaneously making me feel loved and appreciated for my efforts.  I think if he started cooking appreciation classes we could save marriages all over the country! 
     The more I cooked, the more I realized I got something out of it too.  There is something incredibly relaxing about chopping vegetables and stirring sauces and not thinking about anything else.  It's the kind of relaxation that you can't get by just sitting on the couch watching TV or even reading a good book.  There's too much guilt associated with sitting on the couch for too long.  With cooking, you feel good about yourself for accomplishing something, but it's a stress-reliever at the same time.  The rest of life I'm either at work thinking about how to keep my kids stable and comfortable, and when to call the resident and when to suggest something and when to keep my mouth shut, or I'm at home thinking about when I'll get to meet Holden or what on my list of 100 things to do I should be doing to get ready for him, but when I'm cooking, all of that goes away.  It's just me and my kitchen.  I'm in charge, and guess what?  I don't even have to listen to the recipes.  I modify EVERYTHING. 
     By the way, when a recipe says, "clear" that means "see-through", not "colorless".  You might wanna keep that in mind if you're making strawberry candy and you've been stirring it for 2 hours waiting for it to turn "clear".... just sayin'. 
     After you have a year or two of cooking under your belt, you can look at a recipe and say, "that way of cooking chicken will make it dry and terrible, I'll keep the ingredients but make it this way" or "Please, that is not enough siriachi and way too much coconut milk... I'll do it this way."    Honestly, I get such pleasure out of modifying recipes and doing things my own way that sometimes I modify things just because I CAN.  I'm nowhere close to being a gourmet cook, but for me I know I've reached the mountaintop of cooking when I can make something like this: Chicken with Olives, which includes two of my husband's most hated ingredients: onions and green olives.  And he will eat it.... and he will LIKE IT.  It's pretty awesome, I'm not gonna lie.
     
 So bust out those pots and pans (measuring cups optional), play your favorite music, provide your fan-base with a little coaching on how they can best support you, and give cooking a second chance. You can do it, and you will be awesome at it, I promise!

When is Holden coming home?

     The question I get most often regarding the adoption is: "when do you get to bring Holden home?"  I would give up my clothing budget, stop eating candy, and pull weeds every day for the rest of my life if I could have the answer to that question.  (Those of you who know me best know that's saying a lot!)  Unfortunately, adoptions from India don't come with a set timeline.  There are a lot of factors that determine the wait.  I'll attempt to describe them below.  And yes, I agree with everyone else's sentiment that once a child has a family, shouldn't they get to come home as soon as possible?  Yes, in an ideal world they should.  However, most countries have quite a backlog of work when it comes to adoptions.  Holden is not the only child waiting to come home.  There are hundreds more who have been waiting along with their families longer than he has.  So, we take a number and stand in line.... and hope and pray that India and other countries somehow get "caught up" on their work in the next few years. 
     Here's what we've done so far in the adoption process.  Applied to be Holden's parents and got approved.  Then, we had to update our home study to meet India's requirements.  Our home study agency was great and got this done in a month's time.  Then... our state's department of social services had to approve our home study before it could be sent to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration.  This is not a requirement in every state.  Unfortunately, that added a good extra month to the process.  Once USCIS received all of our paperwork, they approved us pretty quickly...within 3 weeks, I think.  They issued us the I800, which basically says that they approve us to be the adoptive parents of Holden, and everything appears to be in order for him to be legally adopted and brought to the U.S. to become a U.S. Citizen.  (Usually, you apply for the I800A first - which we in the Fall of 2011 while we were still in the Thailand program.  That step required fingerprints from Chris and I and took a little longer to process.)  Let me say this about USCIS.  We have had nothing but wonderful, helpful experiences working with them.  Not what you would expect from a government agency, right?  Our adjudication officer talked with us directly on the phone to clarify parts of our application and home study and gave us really good advice on what and when to submit things.  Everyone at USCIS has been super nice and helpful and has responded to our inquiries really quickly.  Even when we walked in to the USCIS office to get our fingerprints, the workers there were very friendly and helpful.  I know not everyone has had that experience with USCIS, but that's been ours.  We're super impressed with them and have no complaints. 
     Wow, this is getting really boring.  Maybe it will help someone else considering inter-country adoption to grasp how all this works.  If not, I apologize for this incredibly dry post!  Plus also, before we could send everything to USCIS, we had to gather up a brand new dossier for India to send to our agency, Holt.  The dossier is just a bunch of paperwork (when I say a bunch, I mean A BUNCH!)  that describes who we are as people, what jobs we have, our physical health, etc.  Then, we had to fill out a bunch of acceptance paperwork regarding Holden.  (Again, I mean an enormous, ridiculous, almost gave the notary debilitating carpal tunnel syndrome for life BUNCH!)  We had to sign and notarize every page of Holden's medical info and progress reports.  Thankfully, since Holden has gotten such great care in India, this meant a TON of papers to sign and notarize.  We spent about 2 hours with the  notary that day, and the bill came to about $200 worth of notary and shipping fees.  Yikes! 
     Oh wait, and we also had to get the Article 16 to send to USCIS - this is just paperwork that shows that Holden is free and clear for adoption.   Holt gathers this up for us.  After we got our I800 approval from USCIS, it gets forwarded to the National Visa Center, who then sends it on to the appropriate Consulate in India along with Holden's visa photo.  The Indian Consulate then issues their approval of the adoption in the form of Article 5.  THEN... all of our paperwork, the dossier and acceptance paperwork and Article 5 get sent to India's Central Adoption Resource Authority, or CARA as we affectionately call them.  CARA has to issue us the Non-Objection Certificate, or NOC.  This is what we're waiting for right now.  I love that it's called the NOC.  It's not a resounding approval of the match, it's just India's way of saying, "Well, we don't exactly love the idea of you taking an Indian child and raising them in a mostly white world and removing them from their birth language and culture and religion... but given the fact that this child needs a family, and you seem to love him, I suppose we don't exactly object to this arrangement..."  Love it! 
     Holt told us it would probably be 4-6 weeks to get the NOC.  All of our paperwork was mailed to them on May 2nd, so we're now sitting at 6 weeks of waiting tomorrow.  Which means, we should have that NOC in our chubby little hands any day now!  After we get the NOC, there is sort of a light at the end of the tunnel.  Our paperwork gets filed with the Family Court in Bangalore, India.  Then, a judge picks a court date for us.  We might only have 3 weeks notice to buy our plane tickets and head on over to India to appear before the judge.  On this trip, I'll go with a friend and leave Chris behind.  I'll get to meet Holden and spend about 2 days visiting with him.  Then, 30-60 days after the court date, Chris and I will head back to India to bring Holden home!  Here's the catch, though:  the courts in Bangalore are really backed up, and have always taken a good long while to pick the court date.  In the past, the court date would literally get rescheduled about 5 times.  So, just because we might have the NOC in our hands this month doesn't mean we won't be waiting months and months more to get news of that court date.  So... when will Holden come home?  We have no idea.... no idea....  could be by the end of the summer, could be the fall, could be January 2013.  Who knows... I'm hoping not any longer than January, but there are no guarantees. 
     Plus also, you made it! You're now no more closer to knowing when Holden will come home than you were when you started reading this post a year ago! I'm kind of chuckling an evil little chuckle inside right now; thinking about how frustrated and impatient and confused you are at the moment.   Welcome to international adoption, my friend! 
     If all of this sounds incredibly complicated, you're right.  It is.  But.. at the same time, it makes sense to ensure things are done ethically and correctly and in the best interests of children who need homes.  Is it frustrating and confusing and trying to our patience?  Of course!  But in the end, we'll be the proud parents of the most darling little boy on the face of the planet.  I would do this all over again 100 times to have that kind of happy ending.
    

An Update on Our Little Boy

     I have been extraordinarily silent for the past few months.  In that silence, I have been reading, praying, preparing Holden's room (not even close to being finished!), collecting a toddler boy's wardrobe, and busying myself with anything and everything to keep from dwelling on the wait.  I have fussed and fretted over art prints, this train set or that train set, and any number of other completely frivolous and unessential things in order to mask the pain of the only essential thing to me right now: holding my little boy in my arms and telling him how much I love him.  My constant prayer for him is that he will know how loved he is.  I am so thankful that he has such a wonderful foster family to love and care for him.  I pray that through them, he feels our love half a world away, and most importantly, through them, he feels God's love for him. 
     Finally, finally, I have an update on Holden to share!  And now, it's confession time: I received this update at the beginning of May.  For the past couple of weeks, I have hoarded it and kept it for myself and a few family members and friends.  I delighted in the fact that I finally knew something about my son that others didn't know.  I felt like a real Mom for half a second.  And then I remembered all the questions the update didn't answer that I so desperately want to know: what is his favorite story?  what makes him laugh? what comforts him when he's sad? what is his favorite toy?  does he have a favorite blanky or stuffed animal?  is he quiet and shy or outgoing and boisterous?  does he get frustrated that his legs won't move, or is he so busy crawling around that he doesn't notice?  does he know about us yet?  has he looked at our pictures?  what does he think of it all? 
     I don't have the answers to those questions yet, but here are some things I do know about our darling boy:  He is teeny tiny.  He looks like he could be 4 years old in his recent pictures, but his height and weight are super little for 18 months old.  That's ok with us, and we know it's rather expected for kids with sacral agenesis.  His height has progressed well over the last 3 months, but he lost a pound!  I think he just expends so much energy crawling around using just his arms.  We may have to put him on a higher calorie diet once he comes home.  His appetite and diet in India appear to be very good.  He can say mom, dad, brother, grandma, grandpa, food, and doll in his native language of Tamil.  After doll, the report just says, "etc."  Later, it says he recognizes vehicles and names them like bus, auto, cycle,"etc."  (I better start a little vehicle collection for this boy!)  Also, I'm riding a bike in one of the pictures we sent to him, I wish I could see his adorable little finger pointing at it and naming it.  The report also says, "He is very expressive and jabbers continuously."  This makes me so happy.  I cannot wait to hear his sweet little voice.  He can throw a ball, and he shows a hand preference, but it doesn't say which hand he prefers.  He can feed himself little pieces of food and drink from a cup.  His therapy report is encouraging and mentions that they are working on "kneel standing" with support right now.  I am constantly trying to picture Holden going about his day and wondering what he is doing at the moment.  I am so desperate for the day when I can look over and see him on the floor right next to me... when I don't have to wonder about him anymore.  I will be his Mom and I will be there every second.  I am sad when I think about the seconds, minutes, days, and years we have missed, but I will get over it.  I will accept that God's timing is perfect and try to stay sane during this wait. 
     That's all I know right now, and it will have to keep me until the end of July when another update is due.  Either that, or I will be in India at the end of July for the court date!  (Not likely, promise me you won't get your hopes up, and I'll try to do the same.)  Thanks to everyone who has continued to ask me about Holden and how things are going.  Even when I don't have any news to share, it's encouraging to know so many people are cheering for us and impatient for him to come home too.

The Namesake

     Just when everyone was getting used to thinking of our little boy as "Hudson" we threw everything off and picked a different name!  Our son's name will be Holden Anil.  To be honest, I really liked Hudson.  I had begun thinking of our little guy as Hudson, but Chris just couldn't get on board.  He knew a guy with that name, and he really wasn't Chris' favorite person.  Don't you hate how one person can ruin a name for you?  Sometimes I crack up thinking about an expectant couple discussing names together and one person says, "What about Beth Anne? And the other person says, "No way, I knew a girl with that name, and she was THE WORST!"  (I was a pretty ornery little kid, so I wouldn't be surprised if this has happened.)  Also, we have friends who are adopting and they just love the name Hudson for a boy, so I'm glad we could save it for them to possibly use.  I'm dreaming of the day when my Holden can play with her Hudson. 
     Back to our son's name:  We came up with Holden because we really wanted to keep an H-name.  We initially planned to keep our child's original name as their middle name, but in our son's case, this would have left way too much room for jokes and poking fun.  His name is super cool in Hindi, but... not so much in English.  So, in order to honor his given name, we wanted to at least keep an H.  We both love Holden, so it was a pretty easy choice.  As for Anil, we wanted to keep some level of  Indian heritage involved.  I mean, our last name is not going to help AT ALL.  I think our last name alone is going to make people look at our son and ask, "So what are you, exactly.......?"  Sorry, baby boy, blame it on Daddy!  I really wanted to use the name of one of the darling kids from the orphanage in order to honor how much those children touched me and changed my life forever.  We went through a big list of all my favorite children, and we settled on Anil. 
     So let me tell you about Holden's namesake.  Anil was full of life and energy.  He was so funny and engaging that he always had a little posse of boys following him around.  He loved to make goofy faces, ride down the steps on slats of wood, and play cricket.  He was a natural leader, and at 11 years old, already had a faith that would put grown men to shame.  This little boy wanted to be a missionary to all of India, as he put it.  He told us of going back to his small village of farmers in the state of Madhya Pradesh to see his family, and telling some villagers, "this rock is not a god.  There is only one God."  Anil still had two living parents, but was sent to the orphanage for a chance at an education and food every day.  Apparently, the state of malnutrition in Madhya Pradesh is comparable to that seen in Ethiopia.  Here is part of what Anil wrote in his testimony that he shared with us:  "In this world people need money diamond or richness.  But I need only Jesus christ.  I thank God for he love me."  Anil would be 18 years old today.  It's hard to imagine him grown up, and possibly out on his own in the world by now.  I pray that God will protect and provide for him.  Knowing the faith that he has, I'm confident God will use this young man to do amazing things.  If our Holden is anything like Anil, I will be one very proud momma.
     Below are some pictures of Anil. I love how well my friend at the orphanage captured his life and personality in these pictures. Here's to you, Anil, please know that you will never be forgotten. You touched my life forever, and I know you will continue to touch the lives of thousands.  

    

Issues

     Over the past couple of weeks, as we have begun preparing to be Holden's parents (yes, we've decided on a name, more on that later), I've thought a lot about the "issues" that might trouble our son's little heart.  When we first started this journey last year, I pored over adoption blogs and books, learning everything I could about fostering attachment, love, and trust with our child.  We learned about respecting our child's story as their own to share.  We learned about making adoption a regular part of our conversations, so that our little one would feel they could always be open and honest with us about their thoughts, feelings, frustrations, sadness, ambivalence, whatever it is that's going on in their hearts and minds.  We learned, most of all, that attachment takes a lot of time and patience.  We started putting ourselves in our dear one's little shoes:  being wrenched from a loving foster mother's arms, taken from a familiar language and people, and put into the arms of people who look very different, speak a language they don't understand, and for some reason, think this is just the greatest thing ever!  I love this quote: “Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful”-Keith Griffith  I found it on the blog of a teenager who was adopted from Thailand at a young age:  http://adoptingmorethanme.wordpress.com/   
     After learning about attachment, we discovered a completely separate issue--that of parenting a child whose race and ethnicity are different from our own.  We learned that, for transracially adopted children, most report that race plays a bigger role in their identity than the fact that they're adopted.  So, we switched gears.  We started learning about fostering a positive racial identity by making a point to raise our child in as colorful and diverse a world as we possibly can.  Making a point to expose our child to meaningful cultural activities that teach them about their birth country and give them pride in their ethnicity.  I think the saddest thing I learned in all of our "racial identity" research, was how often transracially adopted children wished they were white.  As someone who thinks being white is pretty boring, and has often wished for a more exciting racial background, I just found that so sad--that children who are so beautiful and special just the way they are, wanted to blend in and just be like everyone else.  It made me realize how much each of us longs to fit in and belong.  The fight to teach our child(ren) how special they are, how loved and valued they are EXACTLY as they are, will be ongoing.  Race will always be an issue for our child.  It can't be ignored.  We can't just say, "race doesn't matter to me" because race matters to our child. 
     Now, with our darling Holden, we will tackle yet another "issue".  The issue of disability.  I haven't read the stats, but my guess would be, that a transracially adopted child with a disability would tell you that the disability defines them more than anything else.  Unlike the transracially adopted child, who can choose to walk on the opposite side of the street from their parents, who can choose to hang out with children of the same race as them, and be involved in cultural activities of their choosing, our Holden will be stared at no matter what.  At the playground and at school, kids will ask him, "Why do you need that wheelchair?" or "Why do you need those sticks?"  Every day will be a struggle for him to show others that he's more similar than different from them--that even though he gets around the world differently, he can still have fun.  He has the same hopes and dreams and feelings.  I think this really hit me, when I thought about the fact that our Holden could be surrounded by all transracially adopted Indian children, and he will STILL be different.  He could be surrounded by all children in wheelchairs, and he will STILL be different.  I'm guessing a support group of transracially adopted Indian children in wheelchairs probably does not exist!  Modern psychology would tell us that our son is destined to have a lot of "issues".  This whole thing kind of sounds like a psychological experiment destined to implode on itself, (think Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment, http://www.prisonexp.org/) 
     After pondering all of this, and, at times, feeling overwhelmed, I kept coming back to one thing:  don't we all have issues?  Our "disability" might not be evident on the outside, but it's there just the same.  I'm not trying to downplay the hardship that people who are physcially different face.  I'm just saying, none of us is perfect.  God makes that very clear throughout His word.  Each of us humbly comes to God with a messed up, sinful heart, with nothing to offer but our broken little selves.  And, each of us, on our own, can never solve our issues.  I don't believe that all the research, therapy, or support groups in the world could fix our son's issues.  I'm not saying we won't continue to seek out those things as a supplement, but in our humble opinion, each person's issues are healed at the feet of Jesus.  I like how Ephesians 2:1-10 explains this plan:
^"1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, ² in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. ³ All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
     So, our solution to what seems like insurmountable issues in our precious child's heart, is simply to take them to Jesus.  To kneel at His feet every day, and offer them up to Him.  I'm not saying, that by doing this, we'll guarantee that our son will come to love and trust in Him.  That will be his choice alone to make.  But I do think that faith in God is the only real hope for a broken heart to be healed.  I know I'm not going to make many friends by saying that.  I know it seems closed-minded in a world where so many different faiths and beliefs prevail, but I take God at His word.  I believe it to be true.  I've seen the evidence of Him in my life and the lives of others, and I won't apologize for my unwavering faith.  I don't dislike or disrespect anyone who believes something different, but I do wholeheartedly believe that Jesus' blood is what covers and cleanses the sins and imperfections of this world... be they our own sins, or just the sad consequences of living in a world that is so terribly imperfect. 
     That being said, adopting a child for us has nothing to do with "saving" them or trying to put a checkmark in a box on our Christian works checklist (Yep, that's right, all Christians have a checklist, and they're supposed to complete a minimum of 10 boxes a year.... totally kidding).  It has everything to do with allowing God to show us His world as He sees it.  It was God who gave us an overwhelming love for this little boy.  He blessed us by showing us how He sees this child, how special and marvelous he is.... how much God loves him; how much God loves each of us.  If adopting a child were about looking like good little Christians, we would never make it out alive! 

^"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

     So that is where we are right now.  We'll continue to learn and research and prepare as best we can to be the loving parents that Holden deserves.  But for us, preparing also means growing in our faith and learning to trust in Him minute by minute.  You know, it's funny, because Holt just featured our story of finding Holden in their e-newsletter, and I keep thinking, "What is the update one year from now going to look like?"  It's so easy to stand on this side of the water, trusting God, but the day to day realities of parenting our little boy will challenge and stretch us in ways we can't even imagine.  I'm thankful, that although I'm guessing many people have wondered silently to themselves, "are they CRAZY?!" that no one has dared to speak those words out loud to us.  We've received nothing but love, support, and excitement at bringing Holden home.  And trust me, people, we're gonna need every ounce of love and support you can give!