Funny thing about a Fighter Jet Family

     In our family, when Holden asks for the airplane ride, it's a slow, smooth, gentle ride.  I make a quiet zooooooom sound.  I carry him around and jog at a gentle pace.

     When Holden asks for the jet ride, I move at lightening speed.  I imitate the sounds of bombs exploding and guns being shot.  I twist and turn quickly, trying to simulate the effect of a few G's.  I intentionally make the jet ride far more exciting than the airplane ride. 

 

 

Call us aircraft snobs, if you will, because we kind of are.

     When you're a fighter jet family hanging out with other fighter jet families, and some kid calls an F-18 an "airplane", there will be another kid who immediately pipes in and corrects him. He will say, "Well actually it's a jet.... It's an F/A-18 Hornet."

    


     When you're a fighter jet family, your kid will know more about different types of aircraft and aerodynamics at age 6 than 99% of the adult population.

     When you're a fighter jet family, and you see an airline pilot walking through the airport looking all self-important you'll roll your eyes and think, "My husband compares your job to being a school bus driver."

When you're a fighter jet family, and someone asks your husband what he does for a living, he'll respond with a simple, "I'm a Marine."

When they pry further, he'll respond with,
"I work at the Air Station."

When they ask, "well what do you do at the air station?"
he'll say, "I'm a pilot."

Finally, when they ask what he flies, he'll very quietly and casually say,

 "I fly the F-18 Hornet."

 
And then it happens:

The "oooooooohs and wows, and women immediately looking at your husband like he's a GQ model, and they give you that raised eyebrow like you've won the lottery.

     And you'll smile knowingly because you have won the lottery. Your husband has worked so hard to earn the privilege of flying F-18's. He continues to work incredibly hard to keep earning this privilege every day. He knows that it wasn't just hard work but a bit of blessing and luck and being in the right place at the right time that got him here.

    And it was guts.... a whole lot of guts to admit that he wanted to be a fighter jet pilot and to throw himself into the ring and fight for it.

     You'll also smile knowingly because only you and the other pilot's wives know how unglamorous his job can often be. Only you know that sometimes on the aircraft carrier, he'll sit in his jet for hours waiting to be catapulted off, and the cooling system doesn't work until you're in the air.

     Only you will know how old the jets are and how often they break, and that praying for your husband's safety and worrying about that knock on your door isn't just a reality during deployment. 

 

 It's a daily reality.

     Only you will know that sometimes, for just a few minutes, you'll wish your husband was boring and got to come home at 6:00 every night, or heck, even 7 or 8 every night.
    
     Only you will know how often he's gone for weeks at a time for training.

     Only you will know how very hard this lifestyle is.  It's so hard, and you haven't even made it through your first deployment yet; let alone your sixth or seventh.

It's overwhelming just thinking about it.

     And only you will know that sometimes it feels very uncomfortable to get all of the sexy attention when you know there are all these other incredible men and women in the military--working just as hard and sacrificing just as much.

     And only you will know that despite your occasional dreams of living a normal life; that you are incredibly blessed -- that the same qualities that made your husband become a fighter jet pilot are the qualities you love and admire so much. 

     He is strong, and determined.  He is honorable and hard-working.  He is smart and motivated.  He puts others first, and would sacrifice everything for his family and his country.  He is brave, and a risk-taker.  He is creative and fun.  And somehow, at the end of a 12, or 14, or 16 hour day, he can still come home and listen to how many times your kid went pee-pee on the potty, and that he learned the words camel and otter, and that he ate more at lunch than he did at dinner.  And he'll sit on the edge of his seat listening to this, because that's how amazing and selfless he is.  So even though sometimes you wonder what life on the other side might be like, you know you wouldn't trade this life for anything.  You wouldn't trade him for anything. 

 

 

 

Funny thing about a Fighter Jet Family...

 

Day at the Beach

     A few weeks ago, Holden had his first real day at the beach.  His actual first day was windy and cold and went something like this:

 

     He had an ok time despite the pre-hurricane force winds, but it doesn't really feel like the beach unless you're sunbathing, swimming, and building sandcastles.  Grammy and Pappap were great sports, and Chris used a camouflage tarp of some sort to build us a terrific wind shelter as we all tried to act like jackets and 50 mph winds were the norm at the beach.  I love how Marines can witness any sort of problem, and then they'll just kind of pull out random tarps and tools and camouflage-pattern jiggymadoodles and get to work protecting and defending stuff.  It's awesome and cute (and of course, super manly.... mandorable, if you will)

 

     A week later, the weather was sunny and perfect, and Chris' family was in town for a visit.  We headed back to the beach for Round 2.  Holden had a great time! 

 

 

     And yep, I did just post an Extra-Large (as blogger so aptly put it) photo of myself in a swimsuit on my blog.  I think it's a nice family photo, and it documents our first day at the beach, and it hasn't been photo-shopped, and if anyone wants to debate whether or not nice Christian girls should wear bikinis at the beach, well... that's a whole different blog post altogether.  I'll debate the merits of special needs adoption and giving more of your money to children in need right back.

 

I'm on the fence about which topic is more important in the grand scheme of things. 

 

 

Swimsuits....children without parents...swimsuits...children mistreated....swimsuits...children dying...

 

 

It's a tough call, I'll give you that.

 

 





     Anyways, back to our amazing time at the beach. 

     There was this shallow pool of water just before the ocean that Holden and his cousins had a blast playing in. 

     Holden would start shivering within seconds of getting into the water, but he had so much fun, he didn't want to get out.  Chris and I would literally start saying, "Are his lips turning blue...?  I can't tell...?"

     "Alright, the sheer amount of shaking and shivering going on is ridiculous, we have got to get this kid out of the water and dry him off!"

     Shivering under his bundled towel, Holden would point, "Mama, water, Daaa, water,"  ready to go back in for more. 

     I love that spirit in Holden.  He is a child who easily ignores discomfort and finds the fun in everything!  He could be tired, hungry, stuck in another doctor's office waiting room...doesn't matter--he always finds something to laugh and joke about. 

He always finds the fun.

 

 

     Chris is an amazing dad.  I'll just throw that in there.  Holden has so much fun with him.  When Chris gets home, or Holden sees him first thing in the morning, he lights up:

 

"Daddy!" 

 

I love to watch their relationship grow. 

 

 

This is Chris, Holden, and I with our nephews, Brayden (right) and Isaac.  Chris' mom said this picture makes it look like we could easily handle three kids -- like we've got it all under control. 

 

"Noooooooo-ooooooooohhhhhh!" I say. 

 

     We are a long way off from three kids!  We are still trying to get a handle on how this whole thing works with one kid.  Believe me, one kid is plenty enough.  I will now quit looking puzzled and confused and sad when I see and hear of only children.  I will instead give a look of understanding. 

 

Yes, one can be quite enough!

 

(God now folds his hands together and gives a slightly menacing chuckle...little do they know...)

 

Can God give menacing chuckles???  Once again, a topic for another blog post!

 

MRI and other Boring Medical Details

     Holden had an MRI of the spine yesterday, and as most of you know, he did awesome!  He was under general anesthesia, and he woke up a little groggy (umm... of course!), but other than that, he was fine.  No vomiting, no irritability, no whining.  A few tears were shed when his IV was taken out, and that was it.  Holden tends to get over things very quickly.  Knowing that Holden tolerated the anesthesia so well has me feeling much better about all of the orthopedic surgeries he'll need in the future. 

     So results of the MRI:  We still don't have an official, concrete diagnosis for Holden.  The neurosurgeon called it a primary spinal cord anomaly (meaning, it happened in utero, and there's something wrong with his spinal cord) and that's about it.  It's not sacral agenesis because his sacrum is there, and he's not missing any vertebrae.  It's not spina bifida, because with his level of paralysis, it would have been a meningocele or myelomeningocele repaired at birth, and that wasn't the case.  However, the neurosurgeon did say he has "a bit of spina bifida occulta" so, essentially defective closure of the vertebrae without spinal cord protrusion.  This matters because the condition can cause a tethered spinal cord as a child grows, so that's something we'll have to watch out for.  However, most people with spina bifida occulta don't even realize they have it until they have symptoms.  They don't have decreased sensation and paralysis like Holden has. 
    
     The neurosurgeon chalked this up to the "spinal cord abnormality that affects the nerves extending to his lower extremities".  He then went on to say that "it's really hard to get a good look at the spinal cord in young, small children"  So, he wants to repeat the MRI in six months. 

     Hooray!  We had such a fun day we are super pumped to do this again!  He also ordered x-rays of the spine, hips, and knees on our way out.  He called on our drive home to say that, "he does have a slight abnormality of the sacrum"   Ok, so... a touch of sacral agenesis, a touch of spina bifida occulta, and a big dose of some other spinal cord abnormality, is that what we're saying here?  The neurosurgeon was super nice, but he didn't spend a whole lot of time with us.  I'm in the process of getting all of the doctor's visit notes and imaging reports, because I feel like there could easily be pieces of the puzzle we're missing that the docs dictated on but failed to mention to us. 

     The neurosurgeon was very positive in what he thinks Holden will be able to do in terms of his mobility.  He said he knows a child who is missing her pelvis and can walk.  He went on to say, "I don't even know how that's possible." 

     I don't either, Mr. Neurosurgeon, and if you're a neurosurgeon and you don't know, let's just chalk that one up to God because that's crazycakes! 

     I'm still sitting here thinking, "really......???  no pelvis???  I can't even picture that.  How are the legs attached..... just tendons and ligaments..... attached to what......???  I could spend all day pondering this, or I could finish this blog post.....

     Mr. Neurosurgeon wanted to know what Mr. Orthopedic Surgeon's plans were, and I said that he was being rather conservative until he saw the results of the MRI of the spine.  Mr. Neurosurgeon went on to say, "tell Ortho to be very aggressive, because I think there's a lot this kid will be able to do, and it will boost his self-esteem to have feet and knees that look like other kids either way." 
    
     Ok then; Will do.  We know that Ortho wants to surgically correct Holden's clubbed feet first, and then, if we think he will stand and maybe walk, they'll fix his knee contractures.  We see Ortho again in mid-July.  At that point, we'll have 6 weeks of PT under our belts, and I think the plans for correcting Holden's feet will be underway.  I'm not excited about putting him through pain and suffering, but it has to be done to help with his mobility, and hey, this is where decreased sensation to the lower extremities finally has an upside... less surgical pain.

     Holden has also had a renal and bladder ultrasound.  His kidneys look great!  His residual urine volume in his bladder is super small, as in, a completely normal amount, so we're not worried about urinary retention and reflux into the kidneys.  Also....................... drumroll please.............................

Holden has been potty-training! 

     At 2.5 years old, this is incredibly good for a boy.  As in, my little boy who has partial paralysis and decreased sensation in his lower extremities and was recently adopted, is more advanced than most typically developing little boys.  Way to go, Holden!  You amaze us every day! 

     We are essentially cleared from urology unless we have problems or a year has gone by and potty-training isn't complete.  At that point, there's another test called the VCUG (voiding cystourethrogram) that they will do.  I liked how the urologist put it.  He said, "At this point, I have no reason to believe that there's anything wrong with his bladder or ability to be continent, and if it was my child, I wouldn't put him through this test."  Obviously, at 3.5 years old, if potty training isn't complete, then we'll give him a call and see what's up. 

     Honestly, I was not prepared for this at all.  Chris and I kind of just assumed that we would be using alternative methods to help Holden achieve continence.  So far, that's not the case at all.  If it is the case in the future, I probably won't be sharing that with you here :) 

     I've probably already shared too much on this subject and one day Holden is going to read this and go, "Mooooo-oooommmmm!"  

                Sorry, baby, Mommy is just so proud that you're going pee-pee on the potty! 

     Let me wrap up the most boring blog post ever by saying that I plan on vomiblogging very soon (vomiting up all the blog posts I've been saving up in my head) so you can hear all about Holden's various adorable escapades.

     I'll leave you with this note to show you how amazing our little boy is.  In the 7 weeks that Holden has been home, he has been to 7 doctors and/or OT appointments, had 3 shots, 1 lab draw, 1 in/out cath, 1 renal ultrasound, 5 x-rays, and one MRI under anesthesia, and despite all of that, he has been the most joyful, positive, fun kid you will ever meet.  This little guy never ceases to amaze me.  His joy is limitless, his strength is incredible, and his love is priceless. 

     As I told a friend I got to see at MUSC yesterday, "I think everyone needs a Holden in their lives."  Hopefully, as I start blogging more, you'll all get to experience a little bit of Holden in your lives and feel some of the joy that Chris and I feel every day. 

   
    

 

10 Days Home with Holden

Today marks our tenth day at home with Holden, and, to be perfectly honest, this whole parenthood/adoption thing, has been:

(and now I prepare to duck under a table while moms everywhere, both adoptive and not, hurl pureed food and vomit-soaked clothing at me)
                                                               much EASIER than I expected.

     Yes, we are still fully in the honeymoon stage of this adoption, and I realize that 3, 6, or 12 months from now, Holden might get really comfortable in our love for him.  He might start to really get that we love him no matter what...all the time...forever; and he might really test what that actually means.  It's a pretty common phenomenon in adoption (although often with kids a bit older than  Holden).  So I am still prepared for difficult times ahead. 
     I also know that at this point, most adopted toddlers are in full-blown grieving mode.  They cry often and for long periods.  They don't sleep well.  They are angry, and tantrum-y.  They are destructive.  They refuse to accept affection and comfort.  Holden does none of these things.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that I still need to filter our parenting through the adoption standpoint, because it's already hard for me to remember that he came to us differently than most families.  We fit together so seamlessly. 
     I was also prepared to feel differently about this whole adoption/parenting thing than I expected.  I read up on post-adoption depression, on feeling like you were just babysitting a kid, feeling like you had a tiny invader in your home.  I read up on being a parent to a child with special needs -- that it can be stressful; you can feel isolated and discouraged.  Again, I don't feel any of those things.  I still have a lot to learn and experience, but being Holden's Mom just feels very natural to me. Also, being a Mom to a child who is differently-abled (got this phrase from Laura, and love it!) hasn't really affected our lives too much yet.  Yes, we still have a load of specialists to go see.  We will soon have physical therapy and occupational therapy.  Holden will get fitted for a wheelchair.  I'm still pretty confident that to us, Holden will just seem like a regular kid who gets around a little bit differently.  We're bound and determined to give this little boy the most unlimited life possible. 

     I've had to do 5 of the first 10 days with Holden solo as Chris has been out of town for work, so don't be too jealous of me, mothers of the world.  Also, I'm fully aware of the fact that I can take no credit for how awesome Holden is doing or what an incredible little kid he is.  I keep saying this over and over, but Chris and I truly are the lucky ones in this arrangement.  I'm pretty sure Holden has had his second thoughts about this whole thing once or twice! 
    
Little things that tell me Holden is adjusting well:
- He calls me Amma (the word for mother in Malayalam) and Chris Daaa.
- When he wakes up from naps or in the morning, and we come to get him, he greets us with a smile and outstretched arms, ready to be held.  (Seriously, favorite parenting moment ever, this was the kind of stuff I dreamed about before Holden came into our lives.)
- He accepts kisses, hugs, and "I love you's" from us.
- He accepts our praise and encouragement and often claps, and gives a "yay!" right along with us when he does something awesome (which is every other minute, as far as I'm concerned :)
- When I leave the room to do a quick chore (I always tell him first, "Mommy will be right back") he often calls for me or starts crawling to where I am.  He likes to keep tabs on where I am at all times.  (This might seem too clingy for a typical toddler, but for a newly adopted one, it's a good sign.)
- He accepts comfort from us when he is sad.
- The longest amount of time he has ever cried is 5 minutes.
- He sleeps really well at night.
- His appetite is starting to pick up.
- He is always laughing and joking.  I'm telling you, this kid is going to be the class clown.  I'm determined that he'll be a kind, respectful class clown, but still, he just loves to get a laugh out of people.
- He is eager to learn English, and often repeats after me on things we see in books, at the store, or on walks. 
- He plays often and has tons of fun doing it. (Many newly adopted toddlers are too stressed to really play with their toys.)
- He is eager to please Chris and I, and when we have to set limits and tell him, "no" he often gets a little sad and puts his head down.  (And yes, it makes me feel terrible to see it, but I know it's a good sign.  I'm thankful that at this point, a stern "no" is enough consequence for him not to do something again.  We haven't had to do any sort of time out/time in, taking away toys/privileges because a simple "no" stops this child in his tracks.)

     There is so much more I could say about our time with Holden, and hopefully I'll start picking up on this blog stuff again and keep you informed of all his adorable escapades.  For now, I'll leave you with this thought:  adoption can be really hard and take a ton of sacrifice, but it can also be really wonderful, and an incredible blessing.  Sometimes, it seems like people only hear the hard stuff about adoption, under the auspices of being "transparent and real" and too many are scared to even start the journey.  I'm here to tell you that our story is just as real and valid as anyone else's, and it has been an absolute joy.  I don't want anyone to think that every adoption is this easy, but I also don't want you thinking that every adoption is super hard. 

Prepare for the worst, and then be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't come your way... 

It certainly hasn't come our way..... yet! 

And now I'll leave you with some family photos. 

Thanks to Laura Mustio of initiric.blogspot.com for these beautiful photos of our very first day together as a family of three.

 

Did a little tear just form in the corner of your eye? 

 

I thought so.

 

What do you give to the woman who gave your son everything?

I've thought and prayed often over what I would say or do in that fragile, life-altering moment when Holden's foster mother says goodbye to him, and I become his mother. What do you say to the woman who rocked your son to sleep at night? How do you thank her for giving him unconditional love, and showing him that trusting others is possible and good? This woman, Ammini, is so beautiful and kind and incredibly good. She loves Jesus and prayed with Holden and read the Bible to him. She fed him, clothed him, cleaned him, and cuddled him. She let him know how special and beloved he was. She showed him that being different was ok, and being differently-abled would not define him.

I am completely convinced that Holden is a smart, kind, confident, social, affectionate boy because of her love.

What can you possibly give this woman who has given your son everything?

India has strict laws about gifts when it comes to adoption, so even if I had wanted to make a pathetic attempt to repay this woman, I would not have been allowed to do so.

Instead, I made her a photo album with pictures of Holden. On its pages, I let her know that Holden is happy because of her love and care. I told her that her love and kindness would never be forgotten. I thanked her, from the bottom of our hearts.

I wrote her a thank you card that attempted to tell her how incredible we think she is. I told her that she displayed Jesus' love to Holden and so many others. I told her that Holden's life and our lives were forever changed because of her.

I attempted to tell her in person, despite our language barrier, how grateful we were. I told her we would love and care for Holden with everything we had.

When it was time to say goodbye, we took pictures of her with Holden. Then, she handed him a bag of cookies, gave him a sweet, little kiss, and she was gone.

So what do you give the woman who gave your son everything? A photo album, a thank you card, and a solemn vow to love and cherish this little boy for the rest of your life.

First Day with Holden

My first day with Holden, as in the day I became a Mom and get to take care of him and love him forever, went unbelievably well.  As in, better than I thought possibe, as in, I'm expecting my sweet boy to have a breakdown any second because up to this point, he has been amazingly resilient. 

Can you believe I spent a whole day with a two year-old and no tears were shed? There was not even a hint of whining. How is this child so perfect? No seriously, I am so convinced at his perfection. I think he is the best at everything and every little thing he does is adorable. Even when he burps, it is perfect and adorable! I told Laura that I will probably think his farts are the best ever too. Watch out teachers of America, I can already see myself as one of those obnoxious parents who comes storming into your classroom in a blind rage because their child is perfect, and clearly the fact that they have just pooped in the corner and smeared it all over every child's artwork is all YOUR FAULT. I mean, what other explanation is there?

How did a post that was supposed to be lovely and beautiful and life-changing start off with poop in the first paragraph? I don't know, but we're going with it. It kind of represents how I feel as a new Mom. I feel like I have been given the most incredible, beautiful, perfect gift, and my biggest fear is that I will mess it all up. I am continually on my knees asking God to show me how to do this.

The day started off with a long cab ride. I kept myself busy trying to scribble out a thank you note to the staff at Vathsalya Charitable Trust (the orphanage that oversees Holden's care and files all the paperwork for his adoption). I think sometimes I intentionally procrastinate so I can keep myself busy in the moments leading up to a big event. It prevents me from becoming a sobbing mess. I was all excitement and joy as we got out of the car.

Laura and I walked up to the third floor where the offices are, and sweet, little Holden was there sitting on the couch right in front of me. I went over with a big smile and told him it was so good to see him. I am very cautious around Holden right now. I feel like he is this fragile, little faun that I don't want to startle. What I wanted to do was whisk him up into my arms immediately and squeeze his eyeballs out. What I actually did because I thought it would be better for him was kneel down in front of him, talk in gentle, slow tones, and pull some toys out of the elephant backpack I brought him. Within a few minutes, Mary Paul, the orphanage director and one of the kindest women you will ever meet, was calling us back to her office. I picked Holden up and just said, "It feels so good to hold you again." We went over some paperwork, and then I received the most wonderful gift from VCT, a scrapbook of photos from Holden's time with them. There were many photos in the book I had never seen before. Holden just loved flipping through the pages. We will protect and treasure this book forever.

We also took pictures with Holden's foster mother. More on that later. This incredible, beautiful, sweet woman deserves a post all her own.

One of my favorite moments of the day came when I realized that Holden knows I am his Mama. I still can't believe this part of our day really happened. I left the room with a spunky little girl named, Shilpa, because she managed to get a little mess of something on her hands. As I held her hand out and walked off to find a way to clean it, Laura was still in the same room as Holden. She said he kept leaning over and looking out the door to where he could see me down the hall, and would say "Mama". He kept looking at me, then up at her, the. She said, "Yep, that's your Mama... Go see your Mama" Holden started crawling toward me, and Laura called out to me and told me what had just happened. My heart was this big, melty pile. I looked at him, and said, "I am your Mama." I wanted to scoop him up into a big hug, but another little rascal decided it was her turn for some attention and kind of blocked my attempt ;)

For a much better take on the story, check out Laura's blog post: http://intiric.blogspot.in/2013/04/today.html

Before we left the orphanage I thanked Mary Paul and hugged her and told her how very much I appreciate all of the hard work VCT does, and the way they make finding loving foster homes for their children a priority. I told her that Holden is a happy, wonderful boy because of the work they do and the love of his foster mother. We both teared up, and she said, "thank you for noticing all the work we do, because not many people appreciate that." It made me so sad to hear that, and I realized how easy it is for us as adoptive parents to just demand, demand, demand, without ever saying thank you. We always want more info, more pictures, we want to know what's taking so long. Meanwhile, the sweet women at VCT are buried under a pile of paperwork, taking little kids to court, trying to recruit and train more foster mothers, and the list goes on.... They have no more control over the speed of India's government agencies than we do. I promised Mary to send pictures and find VCT on Facebook. I also assured her that we would definitely be back and would show her what a wonderful, young man Holden was becoming.

Little man fell asleep on the car ride home, and I laid him down for a nap as soon as we got back to the hotel. He slept much longer than he usually does, but he had understandably had a big day. I kept sneaking over just to watch him breathe. Knowing my little boy was sleeping peacefully in the same room as me, knowing that I get to love him forever- it was just (and still is!) such an amazing feeling. I kept saying silent prayers, thanking God for this beautiful blessing that I don't deserve.

When Holden woke up, I could tell he was nervous and confused. He looked at me, thinking, "you're not my Ammina. She's the one who gets me up after naps..." I just held him and said, "Mama's here." Then I pointed at him and said his Indian name, then pointed at me and said, "Mama". I tried to make conversation with him in happy tones, then we played cars on the floor. I was sure the tears were coming at any moment, but they never did. He played very quietly and timidly at first, then gradually warmed up to me again.

Laura brought us take-out for dinner, and Holden ate like a champ. He does seem to have a little trouble chewing up chicken. I swear he still had chicken bits lingering in his cheek a few hours later! I'm gonna have to do some finger-sweeping on this boy.

We played with all sorts of things including Laura's wallet and phone. She is such a good sport! We both wondered when Holden would give us a great, big laugh. He is so quiet and serious sometimes. Not too long after that I was chasing him around the room as he crawled around on his hand sandals (a genius invention, I will show you a pic later), and I would get him and tickle him. He started laughing like crazy! It was the sweetest sound I have ever heard. It got to the point where he would collapse on the floor and start laughing before I even got to him. Love this boy so much.

Laura said goodbye for the night and we planned to Skype with some family. As soon as I sat Holden on the bed for skyping, he just collapsed. He lifted his head a few times and gave a wave, but he essentially said, "I am wiped!". Little guy was ready for bed an hour early. He is still sleeping peacefully beside me - most beautiful sight in the world.

Daddy arrives really late tonight!! Can't wait!!!!

So About that Momentous Trip to India to meet our Son for the first time...

     First of all, I won't apologize one bit for making you wait a month to hear about our trip to meet Holden.  There's been quite a lot going on here in the lowcountry -- with Chris preparing for an extended Marine Corps vacation and all. 
     I will say this:  If you're preparing for your first deployment, denial is an extremely effective coping mechanism in the weeks leading up to the big goodbye.  I've heard all sorts of stories and anecdotes about "coping with deployment", the range of emotions you'll go through, etc.  My main concern was the increasing irrititability, arguments, and "just leave already!" mindset that I heard were so very common before a deployment.  Thanks to a beautiful thing called denial, taking one day at a time, and our trust in a God so much bigger than our worries and fears, Chris and I were able to skip over all of that negative stuff.   We had an incredible couple of weeks together before he left.  We spent more time together in the last 3 weeks than we were able to spend in months.  It was wonderful.  We had fun, we laughed, we shared, we pretended that our lives were not about to change drastically for the next year.  And in the quiet moments when Chris was sleeping, or busy in another room, or sometimes, with my head turned away while driving in the car, I grieved him leaving.  When the day finally came to say goodbye, I kept it together fairly well, I think.  I told Chris, "Don't be surprised if I seem to be tougher about this than you expected.  I've already grieved your leaving at least 20 times in the past few months."  One of those times, we lay snuggled together, two nights before the big goodbye, and tears just streamed down my face onto his chest while I quietly cried, trying to soak up the moment and have that time be enough to sustain me for the next year.  Luckily, Chris was fast asleep, and when I told him about this the next day, he literally did not have a clue that his chest was soaked with my tears!  This is how I prefer it. When Chris has seen me sad about deployment or all the times he's not home and I miss him, it unintentonally creates this sadness and guilt in him that I don't want him to feel.  Of course, we'll both be said.  That's normal.  But I don't want him to ever feel guilty for the career he's chosen.  I encouraged him to go for his dreams, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  It's really hard, and the difficult times for us have really only just begun, but still, I hope I will always feel that this is worth it.  This is what he's supposed to be doing.
     Now that I've effectively outlined why I've been a little too preoccupied to tell you about meeting Holden, I'll finally start telling you about meeting Holden!  Here's how it went down: 
     December 19th, a week from go-time, we take a look at what the weather in Pittsburgh might look like.  (We planned to go see our families for a few days in Ohio and Pittsburgh first, then take off from Pittsburgh to Charlotte to D.C. to Qatar to Bangalore.  Yes, we know Pitt to Charlotte to D.C. makes no sense.  It's what the airlines had to offer, and since we're no rookies when it comes to wasting jet fuel, we bought the tickets.)  Hmm, weather doesn't look so great.  Possible storm hitting the Northeast on December 26th.  Oh well, we'll see what happens. 
     December 25th, after having a fun-filled Christmas morning with Chris' family, we start really looking into this whole storm situation and how it might affect our travel.  It's not looking good.  Six inches of snow, and more importantly, icy wintery mix is expected on the afternoon of the 26th.  We talked to the travel agency, and tell them we'd like to skip our first 2 flights in Pittsburgh and Charlotte and head straight to D.C. early before the storm hits.  Apparently, just "cancelling" our first two fights was going to cost us about $2,000 dollars.  What?!  All we want to do is NOT be on two flights... apparently, the "change fee" was going to be two grand.  And, if we simply didn't show up on the first two flights and arrived in D.C. on the evening of the 26th, they would have already cancelled that flight and called us no-shows.  They said the only way to make things work was to show up at the airport in Pittsburgh, wait for our flight to be cancelled there, and then book it to D.C. to try to make that flight on our own.  The extra special suprise treat we discovered was that the travel agent missed a letter on the spelling of our last names.  So... if anyone at airport security or on the airline caught it and realized our passports didn't match our tickets, we could be refused entry and have to re-purchase our tickets with the correct names, hence another 2 grand.  In talking to my parents on the phone about all of this craziness, I said, "The only way we are going to make it to India is if God wants us there."  I am happy to say that God wanted us in India, and we had the most wonderful two days with Holden -- better than we ever dreamed!
     We spent the morning of the 26th with my family doing our Christmas exchange.  It was a great time (well, other than my four year old niece puking on my brother and the floor!)  Minor details, we still had a fun time!  We watched the snow falling fast outside, our hearts getting a little anxious.  My parents were so sweet to lend us their automatic four wheel drive, snow-tired high-tech volvo to drive to the airport. The roads were pretty rough.  It took us twice as long to get there, and we saw several cars pulled over on the side of the road, and several others swerving and fishtailing alongside us on the highway.  We got there safely.  I stopped at the arrivals and departures screen before we checked our luggage, and it wasn't looking good.  Pretty much all the flights scheduled before ours had already been cancelled. I was thinking, it's just a matter of time before they call ours cancelled and we book it to D.C. and pray the weather doesn't slow us down too much.  We got in line, checked our luggage, and the guy at the counter said, "So far so good".  The gates were ridiculously empty.  Some whole sections of the airport were like a ghost town, with some airlines cancelling all flights for the next 5 hours.  Thankfully, we saw a flight right before ours sucessfully take off for Charlotte.  We looked at the weather map, and there was this beautiful hole in the storm that was expected to last until our flight took off.  We prayed for that hole... we prayed that God would part that storm like he did the Red Sea.  This might sound dramatic, but we so desperately wanted to get to India to see our little boy, and we knew that God could remove the storm if He wanted to.  After a long time de-icing, we successfully took off and headed to Charlotte.  After sprinting through the airport in Charlotte because our flight arrived late, and the gate signs were completely wrong... we made it to D.C. 
     In addition to making it through the storm, we made it to India and back without getting stopped regarding our misspelled names!  This was a praise for us, although I'm sure it has just made many of you way less confident in airport security...  Don't fear, just chalk this one up to God answering our prayers!  So we arrived in India at 3 AM on the morning of December 28th.  Supposedly, there was going to be a hotel driver waiting there for us.  No driver to be found...  Also, in the craziness of our few days before the trip, I had failed to write down our hotel address... I know, this was really dumb of me!  I had the orphanage address and phone number, but only knew the hotel name.  We couldn't get any internet access at the airport, which I still find really annoying for a city as large and tech-saavy as Bangalore.  We had to beg a guy at the tourist counter to look up the hotel address for us.  When it became pretty clear that no one was coming for us, I told Chris, "No worries, there will be taxi drivers everywhere outside the airport, we'll get there..."  I was right.  This is the beautiful thing about India.  It can be 3 AM around the holidays and there will still be a swarm of drivers waiting to get your business.  The other awesome thing was that the hotel employee's accent was so thick we couldn't effectively communicate with him, so instead, our taxi driver talked to him and between the two of them, he figured out where to go.  An hour later we arrived at our hotel.  We showered and got ready for our first day with Holden.  (FYI, if you're not used to jet lag or functioning on little sleep, I don't recommend meeting your child for the first time on the same day you arrive in a new country.  Chris and I are kinda pros at changing our sleep schedules and functioning on little sleep, though, so it really was not a big deal.  We're also pros at sleeping on planes.  I also think my excitement at seeing Holden wouldn't have let me sleep even if we did give ourselves an extra day there.)  So it's 6 AM and we're ready for breakfast and ready to start our day.  The hotel restaurant doesn't open til 7... we twiddle our thumbs, read, re-organize our stuff... try to get the internet to work, which it doesn't until a few hours before we had to leave India...)  Finally, it's seven.  Chris discovers that although he hates American coffee, he can't get enough of Indian coffee.  It is SO GOOD!  I looked up online how to make it myself, but I still haven't mastered it.  Seriously, visiting India is worth it just for the coffee... my mouth is watering just thinking about it!  Then, we decide to take a stroll on the streets.  The hotel receptionist seems really uncomfortable with this idea, but we just kinda said, "peace out, we'll be back in a little bit," and left.  I find it so amusing how fragile they tend to think Americans are, like we can't survive on the "mean streets" of India.  Honestly, I find India to be a pretty friendly place.  Yes, I'm sure there's crime, but is it really worse than the streets of Savannah or Charleston... ehhh, I don't really think so. 
     I was so excited to see Chris' reaction to India.  He was amazed at how many people and how busy it was at 8 in the morning, and we were way outside of the main center of Bangalore -- this was the equivalent of a suburb 45 minutes outside of a city in the U.S., and there were shops, cars, auto rickshaws, and people everywhere!  I love it!!!  Chris liked India too.  He said the main thing he didn't love was how hard it was to get American breakfast food.  He likes Indian food, but for breakfast, he just wants some pancakes and bacon or cereal.  Of course, his main concern would be food!  He also said he kept finding himself wanting to speak in English with an Indian accent, and then he'd have to stop himself, like, "wait, I don't have to talk like this for them to understand me.... this is just silly..." 
     Walking along the road was a little tricky because there were only rarely sidewalks, there's lots of trash on the sides of the roads, and cars and bikes drive all over the road, but we never felt unsafe or like someone was about to hit us.  Chris quickly realized that his initial plan at the airport of just "renting our own car" would have been a really bad idea.  When he suggested that, I raised my eyebrows and said, "You don't want to drive in India, trust me!"  I find it really fun to swerve in and out of traffic in little open air autos, honking and avoiding hitting people and bikes... I don't think I'd find it as fun, though, if Holden was with us and I was concerned for his safety.  In India, familes travel like this all the time, though.  Families of four will squeeze onto a moped and drive through town.  Overall, I just love India. I don't know quite how to explain it.  I'm naturally an introvert, so you'd think that all the people and busy-ness everywhere would drive me nuts, but it doesn't.  It excites me.  I just walk around with a big grin on my face, taking in all the colors, people, cars, noise, shops... it's incredible!  I think the reason it doesn't get to me, is that when I've been to India, I always have my own room to go back to if I need peace and quiet.  I like this contrast, I guess. 
     Anyways, we arranged to head to the orphanage at 10:00 to meet with the staff and meet Holden for the first time!  When we got there, we met with Mary, the director, and two other social workers.  They are the sweetest, kindest ladies.  They really tried to make us feel at ease and were just so welcoming.  I am so impressed with VCT.  You can tell these women really love the children they help care for and find homes for.  We talked with Mary for a little bit. She asked us how we like India, asked about Chris' upcoming deployment, and told us a bit about Holden.  Pretty soon, we found out that Holden had arrived with his foster mother.  They walk into the office, and I just can't believe this is really happening!  It felt like an out of body experience -- like a dream.  I just stared at this little boy, thinking, "It's really him!  This is the little boy I've been praying for and dreaming about meeting for a year!"  He was all dressed up in the cutest little traditional Indian outfit, complete with an ornate scarf around his neck.  He had gotten a haircut very recently too.  Not exactly the hairstyle I would have picked, but we were just so overwhelmed at the effort they had taken to "present" our little boy looking his very best.  It was like they wrapped him up like a little present for us.  I thought it was such a sweet gesture on their part, although he could have been in rags and we would have thought he was the cutest, sweetest boy in the whole world. 
     His foster mother is a tiny, reserved woman who is probably in her forties or maybe 50.  We found out that she has two grown children, and her grown-up daughter bought this special outfit for Holden.  They sat down with Holden sitting in her lap.  His foster mother understands a little bit of English, but her primary language is Malayalam.  The orphanage staff translated for us.  We asked how to say, "I love you" in Malayalam, and it was ridiculously hard!  I think I could practice for months and it still wouldn't sound familiar enough to Holden.  We also found out that his foster mother is a Christian, and they attend a Pentecostal Christian church every Sunday.  We were so surprised!  I thought for sure that his foster family would be Hindu.  For the past year, my main prayer is that Holden would receive unconditional love and know how special he is through his foster family's care.  Not only did God provide that for him, He provided a Christian family that is already teaching him Bible verses and praying with him.  I am so overwhelmed by the way God has answered our prayers and gone above and beyond what we ever could have imagined in His provision.
     After talking for a little while, Mary thought Holden was ready to be placed in my lap.  I was so nervous.  I said, "we don't have to if he's not ready, we could just play on the floor together first..." but Mary thought he was doing really well and would be ok.  Up to this point, Holden just sat very quietly and very still on his foster mother's lap.  He seemed very nervous and kept his head down, but he didn't fuss or whine or get upset at all.  He was just the most quiet toddler I have ever seen!  His foster mother placed him in my lap, and he continued to stay very still. He leaned back into me, but then he didn't move a muscle or look around at all.  The orphanage staff started snapping pictures.  I felt so nervous.  I was so scared he would burst into tears at any minute or start reaching back for his foster mother, but he didn't.  He kept stealing little glances upward with his big brown eyes while staying very still.  It was the cutest thing ever.  Eventually he started looking at Chris' watch.  Chris took it off and set it on the table in front of Holden.  Holden very slowly reached for it.  He'd touch it for a second, then look around at all of us, as if trying to figure out if this was ok.  Slowly, but surely, he got more brave, and finally he held the watch in his own hands.  Eventually, we put Holden in Chris' lap, and again, he did really well.  He just stayed very quiet and still and serious.  At times, Mary would try to get him to smile, and he would do his best to keep his face very serious.  It was really cute. 
     About an hour after we arrived, the staff said we could just hang out with Holden anywhere we wanted in the orphanage and just play and spend time with him.  We took him downstairs and kind of set up shop, so to speak in this small, empty playroom.  We pulled out a present for him -- some Melissa and Doug wooden cars.  Immediately Holden got really excited, reaching for the toy and making little noises to show he was interested.  I think this was the first time we heard a single peep out of him.  We unwrapped them and he went to town playing.  We knew right away that this little guy is smart!  He is such a problem solver.  He started taking apart the wooden pieces and then looking at the holes and spokes to see how they fit back together.  It took him about 60 seconds to figure out how to put the wooden pieces back on.  Soon, another little girl at the orphanage came into the room, and immediately, Holden started gathering up all three cars to himself like a typical toddler.  It was so funny to watch!  Within a few more minutes, he started making quiet little car sounds while he played.  The more he warmed up to us, the more cute little noises he made.  Chris and  I just sat watching in awe.  Chris said to me, "This kid is too good to be true."  I have to agree.  He is so smart and observant, and the most calm toddler I have ever seen!  As he got more used to us, he did toss his toys a bit, but when we told him to go get them, he would immediately do it without fussing, and then he quickly realized that tossing toys wasn't a good idea, because he'd have to crawl over and bring them back. 
     Later, we pulled out an F-14 toy that had a tiny button on it that made the jet light up and make noise.  Holden loved it!  The button was really hard for a two year-old to press and figure out, but he did.  Sometimes, he'd have trouble getting it to press down and work, then he'd hand it to us to have us do it.  We'd say, "You can do it" and guide his little finger to the button, and he would always try again without any whining.  In the two days we spent with him, this child did not whine for a single second.  We saw no tears, no getting upset... all things that are so typical for a two year old that I was sure we would see.  We really expected that this sweet boy might be in tears and an absolute wreck for the whole visit.  He didn't know us at all, but he had been told that we were his Mommy and Daddy -- there was a lot of pressure on this little guy! This was one more way that God blessed our visit more than we could have ever imagined.  The whole trip was nothing but enjoyable time playing with our little boy, holding him, feeding him, and getting to know his little personality.  Chris keeps reminding me that Holden could show a completely different side when I go to bring him home, and I'm fully prepared for that, but I'm hopeful that eventually we can get him back to the sweet, smart, easy-going, social little boy that we saw in the orphanage. 
     We were also amazed at how much eye contact we got from him.  With virtually every new task he would do or new toy he would play with, he would look up at us to see our reaction.  He always seemed to be "tuned in" and wanting to know what we thought.  He also went to us for help on multiple occasions, which was so sweet.  Another thing we realized was how FAST he is!  As one of my adoptive friends put it, "If he has a disability, no one told him!"  I really don't think he notices that he's different at all.  I know that won't always be the case, but I love that nothing stops him from playing, having fun, or exploring the way he wants to.  He is so social with other kids too.  He would always crawl up to the other children who lived at the orphanage and start babbling, pointing, and trying to communicate with them.  On several occasions he said some English words, like ball, good, doll, and some colors.  I think he will pick up on English very quickly.  The sweetest thing we got to see was how much his older foster brother and sister love him, and how much he loves them.  His foster brother and sister are about 7 and 5 years old.  We went downstairs to where the big kids were, and immediately, Holden got really excited and started reaching for them with a big smile.  They were so excited to see him too.  They wanted to hold him and pinch his cheeks.  It was adorable.  I hope that someday we can reconnect with them in the U.S.  I know they just very recently came into foster care, so it might be quite a while before they are adopted.  They are seriously the cutest, sweetest little kids, and I can't wait for them to be in their forever family.  It made me so happy to see that not only does Holden have loving, attentive foster parents, but he also has the sweetest older foster brother and sister to love on him.  I think we'll have to do lots of playdates to give our social little guy the interaction he craves. 
     Despite how much Holden enjoyed being on the floor playing with toys, if we picked him up, he would immediately lay his little head down on our shoulder, and put his arm around us.  I have never seen a toddler who adjusted to change so quickly.  It was like he could immediately flip this switch and go from play time to snuggle time.  I think he is a very laid-back, adaptable child, and that's probably in large part due to the changes he's had in his little life already.  I think my biggest concern for him is making sure I create an environment where he feels safe enough to show his emotions.  I feel like this child has responded to all the change in his life by being a people-pleaser and very adaptable.  I think these are good coping mechanisms, but I just don't ever want him to feel like he has to hold things inside.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, as he's only two years old, but still, I just want to make sure that he feels comfortable enough and loved enough to be who he really is at all times.  I want him to know that I'm willing to go to the hard places with him and help him work through things.
     We got to have lunch with Holden on both days.  I think the staff was kind of surprised at the way we fed him.  When they fed him, they would hold him up away from the food and just shovel it in themselves.  We held him on our lap close to his plate, and assisted him in using the utensils and feeding himself.  The staff said this was probably the first time he had ever used a spoon and fork.  If that's the case, I was really impressed with his skills!  Lunch definitely took longer this way, as he struggled to get enough food balanced on the spoon with each bite, but he was pretty good at it.  He's also the neatest little toddler I have ever seen.  When he got a grain of rice stuck to his lip, he would notice right away and wipe it off.  He's a very careful eater.  He can also drink from a regular cup without spilling... crazy!  He's not a picky eater and seemed to have a good appetite, but we are really going to have to work to help him gain weight.  He is a tiny little thing.  I'll definitely be taking him to a dietician once we get home to figure out the best way to fatten our little boy up.  His weight puts him in the 6-12 month range, and this was his weight at 26 months!  I know he is very well cared for.   I just think he'll need extra support, and also getting him into a wheelchair should help to keep him from burning quite so many calories. 
     What else can I say about this trip?  Our little boy is perfect!  I am so in love already.  I know I'll be in the honeymoon stage for a while, and he'll certainly have his imperfect moments, but I think I'll always believe he's the closest thing to perfect on this earth.  He's adorable, smart, attentive, quick, a problem-solver, social, laid-back, a snuggler... what more could you ask for in a two year-old?  When I look at him, I just wonder, "how are we so blessed?"  We are the luckiest parents in the whole world.  This is definitely not a rescue mission.  He is not a "sad little orphan"  He is incredible.  He is strong and resilient and we need him just as much as he needs us.  WE are the lucky ones.  WE are the blessed ones.  He is perfect.  He is this beautiful, amazing gift that we will never deserve.  And somewhere, there are a birthmother and birthfather that I'm grieving for.  They are missing out.  They have lost this wonderful, amazing child, and somehow Chris and I have gained him.  It's not fair.  It's really not.  I know that I had nothing to do with the reasons he couldn't stay with them, that I couldn't have fixed things and made it all ok, but still, I don't ever want to forget their incredible loss.  Adoption is joyful and amazing, but it is also sad and not the original plan that God intended for families.  I believe God grieves with them, that he never desired for children or families to go through this incredible loss.  I also believe he can take the sadness of this world and use it for good -- that he absolutely will use this for good in our lives and Holden's life.  So today, while I am overhwhelmed by God's blessing and goodness in my life, I am praying for healing and blessing in Holden's birthparents' lives too.