I have been extraordinarily silent for the past few months. In that silence, I have been reading, praying, preparing Holden's room (not even close to being finished!), collecting a toddler boy's wardrobe, and busying myself with anything and everything to keep from dwelling on the wait. I have fussed and fretted over art prints, this train set or that train set, and any number of other completely frivolous and unessential things in order to mask the pain of the only essential thing to me right now: holding my little boy in my arms and telling him how much I love him. My constant prayer for him is that he will know how loved he is. I am so thankful that he has such a wonderful foster family to love and care for him. I pray that through them, he feels our love half a world away, and most importantly, through them, he feels God's love for him.
Finally, finally, I have an update on Holden to share! And now, it's confession time: I received this update at the beginning of May. For the past couple of weeks, I have hoarded it and kept it for myself and a few family members and friends. I delighted in the fact that I finally knew something about my son that others didn't know. I felt like a real Mom for half a second. And then I remembered all the questions the update didn't answer that I so desperately want to know: what is his favorite story? what makes him laugh? what comforts him when he's sad? what is his favorite toy? does he have a favorite blanky or stuffed animal? is he quiet and shy or outgoing and boisterous? does he get frustrated that his legs won't move, or is he so busy crawling around that he doesn't notice? does he know about us yet? has he looked at our pictures? what does he think of it all?
I don't have the answers to those questions yet, but here are some things I do know about our darling boy: He is teeny tiny. He looks like he could be 4 years old in his recent pictures, but his height and weight are super little for 18 months old. That's ok with us, and we know it's rather expected for kids with sacral agenesis. His height has progressed well over the last 3 months, but he lost a pound! I think he just expends so much energy crawling around using just his arms. We may have to put him on a higher calorie diet once he comes home. His appetite and diet in India appear to be very good. He can say mom, dad, brother, grandma, grandpa, food, and doll in his native language of Tamil. After doll, the report just says, "etc." Later, it says he recognizes vehicles and names them like bus, auto, cycle,"etc." (I better start a little vehicle collection for this boy!) Also, I'm riding a bike in one of the pictures we sent to him, I wish I could see his adorable little finger pointing at it and naming it. The report also says, "He is very expressive and jabbers continuously." This makes me so happy. I cannot wait to hear his sweet little voice. He can throw a ball, and he shows a hand preference, but it doesn't say which hand he prefers. He can feed himself little pieces of food and drink from a cup. His therapy report is encouraging and mentions that they are working on "kneel standing" with support right now. I am constantly trying to picture Holden going about his day and wondering what he is doing at the moment. I am so desperate for the day when I can look over and see him on the floor right next to me... when I don't have to wonder about him anymore. I will be his Mom and I will be there every second. I am sad when I think about the seconds, minutes, days, and years we have missed, but I will get over it. I will accept that God's timing is perfect and try to stay sane during this wait.
That's all I know right now, and it will have to keep me until the end of July when another update is due. Either that, or I will be in India at the end of July for the court date! (Not likely, promise me you won't get your hopes up, and I'll try to do the same.) Thanks to everyone who has continued to ask me about Holden and how things are going. Even when I don't have any news to share, it's encouraging to know so many people are cheering for us and impatient for him to come home too.