The Namesake

     Just when everyone was getting used to thinking of our little boy as "Hudson" we threw everything off and picked a different name!  Our son's name will be Holden Anil.  To be honest, I really liked Hudson.  I had begun thinking of our little guy as Hudson, but Chris just couldn't get on board.  He knew a guy with that name, and he really wasn't Chris' favorite person.  Don't you hate how one person can ruin a name for you?  Sometimes I crack up thinking about an expectant couple discussing names together and one person says, "What about Beth Anne? And the other person says, "No way, I knew a girl with that name, and she was THE WORST!"  (I was a pretty ornery little kid, so I wouldn't be surprised if this has happened.)  Also, we have friends who are adopting and they just love the name Hudson for a boy, so I'm glad we could save it for them to possibly use.  I'm dreaming of the day when my Holden can play with her Hudson. 
     Back to our son's name:  We came up with Holden because we really wanted to keep an H-name.  We initially planned to keep our child's original name as their middle name, but in our son's case, this would have left way too much room for jokes and poking fun.  His name is super cool in Hindi, but... not so much in English.  So, in order to honor his given name, we wanted to at least keep an H.  We both love Holden, so it was a pretty easy choice.  As for Anil, we wanted to keep some level of  Indian heritage involved.  I mean, our last name is not going to help AT ALL.  I think our last name alone is going to make people look at our son and ask, "So what are you, exactly.......?"  Sorry, baby boy, blame it on Daddy!  I really wanted to use the name of one of the darling kids from the orphanage in order to honor how much those children touched me and changed my life forever.  We went through a big list of all my favorite children, and we settled on Anil. 
     So let me tell you about Holden's namesake.  Anil was full of life and energy.  He was so funny and engaging that he always had a little posse of boys following him around.  He loved to make goofy faces, ride down the steps on slats of wood, and play cricket.  He was a natural leader, and at 11 years old, already had a faith that would put grown men to shame.  This little boy wanted to be a missionary to all of India, as he put it.  He told us of going back to his small village of farmers in the state of Madhya Pradesh to see his family, and telling some villagers, "this rock is not a god.  There is only one God."  Anil still had two living parents, but was sent to the orphanage for a chance at an education and food every day.  Apparently, the state of malnutrition in Madhya Pradesh is comparable to that seen in Ethiopia.  Here is part of what Anil wrote in his testimony that he shared with us:  "In this world people need money diamond or richness.  But I need only Jesus christ.  I thank God for he love me."  Anil would be 18 years old today.  It's hard to imagine him grown up, and possibly out on his own in the world by now.  I pray that God will protect and provide for him.  Knowing the faith that he has, I'm confident God will use this young man to do amazing things.  If our Holden is anything like Anil, I will be one very proud momma.
     Below are some pictures of Anil. I love how well my friend at the orphanage captured his life and personality in these pictures. Here's to you, Anil, please know that you will never be forgotten. You touched my life forever, and I know you will continue to touch the lives of thousands.  

    

Issues

     Over the past couple of weeks, as we have begun preparing to be Holden's parents (yes, we've decided on a name, more on that later), I've thought a lot about the "issues" that might trouble our son's little heart.  When we first started this journey last year, I pored over adoption blogs and books, learning everything I could about fostering attachment, love, and trust with our child.  We learned about respecting our child's story as their own to share.  We learned about making adoption a regular part of our conversations, so that our little one would feel they could always be open and honest with us about their thoughts, feelings, frustrations, sadness, ambivalence, whatever it is that's going on in their hearts and minds.  We learned, most of all, that attachment takes a lot of time and patience.  We started putting ourselves in our dear one's little shoes:  being wrenched from a loving foster mother's arms, taken from a familiar language and people, and put into the arms of people who look very different, speak a language they don't understand, and for some reason, think this is just the greatest thing ever!  I love this quote: “Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful”-Keith Griffith  I found it on the blog of a teenager who was adopted from Thailand at a young age:  http://adoptingmorethanme.wordpress.com/   
     After learning about attachment, we discovered a completely separate issue--that of parenting a child whose race and ethnicity are different from our own.  We learned that, for transracially adopted children, most report that race plays a bigger role in their identity than the fact that they're adopted.  So, we switched gears.  We started learning about fostering a positive racial identity by making a point to raise our child in as colorful and diverse a world as we possibly can.  Making a point to expose our child to meaningful cultural activities that teach them about their birth country and give them pride in their ethnicity.  I think the saddest thing I learned in all of our "racial identity" research, was how often transracially adopted children wished they were white.  As someone who thinks being white is pretty boring, and has often wished for a more exciting racial background, I just found that so sad--that children who are so beautiful and special just the way they are, wanted to blend in and just be like everyone else.  It made me realize how much each of us longs to fit in and belong.  The fight to teach our child(ren) how special they are, how loved and valued they are EXACTLY as they are, will be ongoing.  Race will always be an issue for our child.  It can't be ignored.  We can't just say, "race doesn't matter to me" because race matters to our child. 
     Now, with our darling Holden, we will tackle yet another "issue".  The issue of disability.  I haven't read the stats, but my guess would be, that a transracially adopted child with a disability would tell you that the disability defines them more than anything else.  Unlike the transracially adopted child, who can choose to walk on the opposite side of the street from their parents, who can choose to hang out with children of the same race as them, and be involved in cultural activities of their choosing, our Holden will be stared at no matter what.  At the playground and at school, kids will ask him, "Why do you need that wheelchair?" or "Why do you need those sticks?"  Every day will be a struggle for him to show others that he's more similar than different from them--that even though he gets around the world differently, he can still have fun.  He has the same hopes and dreams and feelings.  I think this really hit me, when I thought about the fact that our Holden could be surrounded by all transracially adopted Indian children, and he will STILL be different.  He could be surrounded by all children in wheelchairs, and he will STILL be different.  I'm guessing a support group of transracially adopted Indian children in wheelchairs probably does not exist!  Modern psychology would tell us that our son is destined to have a lot of "issues".  This whole thing kind of sounds like a psychological experiment destined to implode on itself, (think Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment, http://www.prisonexp.org/) 
     After pondering all of this, and, at times, feeling overwhelmed, I kept coming back to one thing:  don't we all have issues?  Our "disability" might not be evident on the outside, but it's there just the same.  I'm not trying to downplay the hardship that people who are physcially different face.  I'm just saying, none of us is perfect.  God makes that very clear throughout His word.  Each of us humbly comes to God with a messed up, sinful heart, with nothing to offer but our broken little selves.  And, each of us, on our own, can never solve our issues.  I don't believe that all the research, therapy, or support groups in the world could fix our son's issues.  I'm not saying we won't continue to seek out those things as a supplement, but in our humble opinion, each person's issues are healed at the feet of Jesus.  I like how Ephesians 2:1-10 explains this plan:
^"1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, ² in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. ³ All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
     So, our solution to what seems like insurmountable issues in our precious child's heart, is simply to take them to Jesus.  To kneel at His feet every day, and offer them up to Him.  I'm not saying, that by doing this, we'll guarantee that our son will come to love and trust in Him.  That will be his choice alone to make.  But I do think that faith in God is the only real hope for a broken heart to be healed.  I know I'm not going to make many friends by saying that.  I know it seems closed-minded in a world where so many different faiths and beliefs prevail, but I take God at His word.  I believe it to be true.  I've seen the evidence of Him in my life and the lives of others, and I won't apologize for my unwavering faith.  I don't dislike or disrespect anyone who believes something different, but I do wholeheartedly believe that Jesus' blood is what covers and cleanses the sins and imperfections of this world... be they our own sins, or just the sad consequences of living in a world that is so terribly imperfect. 
     That being said, adopting a child for us has nothing to do with "saving" them or trying to put a checkmark in a box on our Christian works checklist (Yep, that's right, all Christians have a checklist, and they're supposed to complete a minimum of 10 boxes a year.... totally kidding).  It has everything to do with allowing God to show us His world as He sees it.  It was God who gave us an overwhelming love for this little boy.  He blessed us by showing us how He sees this child, how special and marvelous he is.... how much God loves him; how much God loves each of us.  If adopting a child were about looking like good little Christians, we would never make it out alive! 

^"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

     So that is where we are right now.  We'll continue to learn and research and prepare as best we can to be the loving parents that Holden deserves.  But for us, preparing also means growing in our faith and learning to trust in Him minute by minute.  You know, it's funny, because Holt just featured our story of finding Holden in their e-newsletter, and I keep thinking, "What is the update one year from now going to look like?"  It's so easy to stand on this side of the water, trusting God, but the day to day realities of parenting our little boy will challenge and stretch us in ways we can't even imagine.  I'm thankful, that although I'm guessing many people have wondered silently to themselves, "are they CRAZY?!" that no one has dared to speak those words out loud to us.  We've received nothing but love, support, and excitement at bringing Holden home.  And trust me, people, we're gonna need every ounce of love and support you can give!

It's a Boy!!!!

Chris and I have been matched with a 15 month-old boy in India!  A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks.  It's been a whirlwind; the good kind of whirlwind that makes wheat fields look gorgeous and blossoms fly and nothing gets destroyed, and the world is just full of more flowers and trees and life because of the whirlwind... I still look back at everything in absolute awe of God and how He has worked.  Usually, I try to somewhat edit my blog posts (hey, stop laughing, 3 pages is the edited version for me)... I swear I don't try to write entire book chapters, they just start pouring out.  This time, I'm not even going to try.  I am going to tell you about our precious child, and I am going to go on and on and on.... As Chris told his Mom last night in reference to talking with me about our child... "just make sure you have an escape route!"  I have fallen in love with this little boy.  I think everything about him is exquisite and wonderful.  I want to plaster his picture on billboards, have Chris write it in the sky that he's ours, and announce it at the Super Bowl.  I am so incredibly proud to be his mommy.  (Oh no... I am going to be one of those facebook moms that writes a post every time her kid moves his pinky toe or wipes a booger on his shirt....oh well, I guess there are worse things I could be than that...I can't think of any of them right now, but I'm sure there are worse things, right?)  Speaking of plastering his picture everywhere.  For those of you who have gotten this far, and are yelling, "Where are the PICTURES, jerk?!??!  That's all I care about, I want to see the pictures!"  We can't post his pictures on the internet.  Indian adoption/privacy/kid-friendly laws prohibit it.  We can email his pictures to friends and family, as long as they also know not to post the pics on the web.  So, just send me a message or email, and I'll show you some pics :)  Really, just ask, I'm dying to show him off!  Fellow India adoption families, do you have a better solution to this?  Is there a secure site where you posted pics and people could access them?  It almost feels like I have way less control over where his pictures go if they just keep getting emailed over and over...  We're also in the process of setting up private access to a video-sharing site.  We'll keep you posted.  The videos of him are adorable!  He has the cutest personality.... best little boy in the world. 
     So, back to your regularly scheduled programming about how our son came to be our son.  16 days ago, Chris and I were thinking it would be years before we could bring a child home.  We gritted our teeth and hunkered down for a really long wait.  Then, on Thursday, January 12th, I saw a blog post from Holt on one of the waiting children.  I love to check out these posts, share them on facebook, and pray for these children to find families.  This little boy tugged at my heart right away.  I thought, "he would be a perfect fit for us, but he's in India.  We're not old enough to adopt from India.."  Read the blog post here:  http://holtinternational.org/blog/2012/01/hope-for-hudson-in-the-new-year/
I figured it was worth a shot, though, to check out India's requirements again.  I went to India's Central Adoption Resource Authority website, and I couldn't believe what I read.  I almost fell out of my chair with happiness.  India had recently changed their guidelines, so that now, married couples only had to be 25 years old to adopt, rather than 30!  I contacted Holt, and asked, "is this really true?!  Seriously?!  We can adopt from India?!?!"  India is where my heart has always been.  The orphanage in India changed my life.  We love Thailand, and have learned so much about Thai culture in the time we were in the Thailand program, but let's face it, God gave me a special place in my heart for India.  One of the waiting child program staff emailed me back, and said, "yes, it's true!"  She sent me all the information they had on this little boy, so we could begin to research his condition and decide whether or not we wanted to apply to be his parents. 
     Before we got "Hudson's" information via email (not sure if I can post his Indian name online, so we'll refer to him as Hudson for now), I spoke with Erin from the waiting child program on the phone.  She told me all about him, and I froze when she read the words: paralysis of lower limbs.  "Oh, I said, so he will need a wheelchair.... ok."  She continued to talk about him, and even though my heart was sad that he might never walk, I never felt that he wasn't meant to be our child.  After I got off the phone with Erin, I took our dog Gus for a walk and thought about this little boy.  I grieved for the things he might miss out on if he couldn't walk, I grieved for him feeling different from his peers and struggling to do what came so easy to everyone else.  This whole time, though, I felt God whispering to my heart, "He is yours, I'll be with you every step of the way." 
     I had a lot of questions, "How are we going to give this little boy everything he needs as a military family?  We move every 3 years, can we guarantee that every location will have what he needs, that everywhere we go we can find a wheelchair friendly house, and wheelchair friendly activities for him, and what about the specialists and therapies he will need?"  One by one, God answered every single question.  I was amazed to discover what resources and specialists we have close to our little southern town, and all the other places we might go over the next 15 years have even more resources than we have here!  We could be in San Diego, California - home of the Challenged Athletes Foundation.  This organization is amazing - they provide special wheelchairs and other equipment for athletes with disabilities.  They provide free mentorships for kids 8 and older.  We could be in Quantico, close to D.C.  We could be at Camp Pendleton, which is right between San Diego and L.A.  We could be in Virginia Beach.  The only location I had my doubts about was Camp Lejeune, NC.  But the great thing about the military is they have the Exceptional Family Member Program.  So basically, they'll never station Chris anywhere that doesn't have adequate resources and care for our child. 
     Even in our little town, there is horseback riding for kids with disabilities, there are a plethora of swimming pools and obviously, beaches.  Wheelchair tennis and basketball organizations are not too far away, and all the medical professionals we need to see are no further than 1.5 hours away.  (Yes, I know this seems kinda far, but for a girl who has driven 14 hours in one day to visit family... this is a piece of cake!  I just have to figure out how to make car trips fun for Hudson.)  Chris started cracking up when I told him about all of this stuff.  He said, "You know, he'll only be about 2 years old when we bring him home... I don't think they'll let him go horseback riding just yet."  Ok, good point, Chris, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself!  All that to say, the more I researched, the more encouraged I was, and the more convinced I became that we could provide this little boy with all the resources, support, love, and encouragement he would need to lead a happy, fulfilling life. 
     Another amazing answer to prayer was how open Chris was to this little boy from the moment I told him about Hudson.  Chris has been adamant that we would know who our child was through a traditional "match".  Meaning, we wait in line, Holt picks a kid and says, they're yours!"  I, on the other hand, have been pleading with him to consider one of the waiting children for the past year.  Amazingly enough, the two waiting children who had been most on my heart before Hudson both had some similar medical and physical needs as he does.  I really feel that God used these other two children to prepare our hearts to be open to Hudson.  When I told Chris about Hudson, I expected him to say, "absolutely not, we are not applying for a waiting child."  Instead, his reaction was, "ok... " and we both started talking about how we could adapt our house for a child in a wheelchair, and how we could give this little boy what he needs.  There was definitely some blood, sweat, and tears as I tried to get Chris to make a decision faster.  Umm, I threw a spoon into the sink in frustration, that was my worst moment.  Chris thought I was going to throw the spoon at his computer, so he was actually impressed with my level of self-control.  Yay, me!  (Ok, not really, still working on controlling my emotions.)  Chris does not like to make up his mind quickly.  It's really a great balance to my do-a-triple-back-flip-dive-into-the-deep-end mentality.  But I'm not gonna lie... sometimes his brain's processing speed drives me completely coo coo for cocoa puffs!  I would ask him, like a used car salesman, "So what can I do to get a Yes out of you today?  How can I help that brain of yours along?"  Chris responded by saying, "You can quit bugging me, because every moment you distract my brain, it will take me longer to decide."  Again, I think God was chuckling at me, thinking "You can't change his mind or heart, Beth Anne, that's MY job!"  After all of that, it only took him 4 days to decide.  Wow, I am incredibly impatient.
     "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. ⁹ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."  2 Peter 3:8-9.  I know this verse is talking about God's eternal plan for the universe, about saving people for His glory, about when Jesus will come back.  But I also think it applies to the promises He writes on each of our hearts.  God was not slow in keeping the promise to give us a child to love and care for.  He worked everything out in His perfect timing.  For those of you who are still driving the endless, circular, monotonous racetrack that is the waiting game, know that God will not be slow in keeping His promises to you too.   I am amazed by the fact that, last year when Chris and I first started talking about adoption, our little boy was being born in India.  God knew all along.  It gives me chills.  It takes my breath away.  He had this marvelous secret for us.  I can just see him waiting with anticipation for the day when He could reveal His plan to us! 
     Sorry, got sidetracked again.  How could I not?!  God is just way too cool.  Ok, so on Tuesday, January 17th, Chris told me we could apply to be Hudson's parents.  By the way, 17 is a special number for us.  It was Chris' sports number all through high school and college, and on November 17th, 2003, Chris asked me to be his girlfriend.  (He swears he didn't plan it that way.... sure, sure, just like you didn't plan to make me wait 4 days so you could tell me Hudson should be our son on the 17th too!)  I wrote to Erin and she sent me all the questionnaires.  I spent the next four hours pouring out my heart on those pages.  (before you shake your finger at me for filling out all this stuff while Chris was at work, trust me, we had already talked about each and every one of the questions on that list.  I already knew what both of our answers were.) 
   Ok, really, this is getting extremely long, let me cut to the good part...on Monday, January 23, Jessica from the Waiting Child Program called to tell us that we were chosen to be Hudson's parents!!  I cried, I was shaking, I couldn't believe it was true.  I'm still in shock.  I feel like I won the lottery, but instead of winning a bunch of money (useless, right?) I won the gift of a beautiful, precious, smart, social, happy little boy.  Wow, Chris and I feel so blessed.  So now, we fill out a bunch of paperwork for India.  Create a photo album and video to send to Hudson, and wait...  It will probably be 6-12 months before we can go get Hudson and bring him home.  6 months would be super extremely amazingly fast.  The reason I even dare to mention 6 months is because supposedly, with India's new and improved adoption system, things are supposed to progress a little faster, and kids with "special needs" are supposed to get expedited a bit.  I'm  not sure where Hudson would fall in this category.  He is clearly healthy and happy, but he does have physical needs. 
     So let me explain a little more about Hudson's condition.  I am still struggling to find the balance between what to share and not share.  In his case, I'm going to share a lot of the physical stuff, because it will be very obvious, when you meet him, that he's different in that way.  I also want to share in the hopes that it might make other adoptive families more open to a child with "special needs".  I don't really like the term, "special needs".  It kinda reminds me of kids making fun of other kids in elementary school and calling them "special".  I heard one parent refer to kids with disabilites as "exceptional children" whereas normal kids were called, "typical."  And yes, I know that every child is exceptional to their parents and family, but for now, that's the term I'm going to use:  exceptional.  I mean, really, the level of work and determination it will take Hudson to do the things that other kids can do without even thinking about it, really is exceptional.
     Hudson was born with sacral agenesis, also known as caudal regression syndrome.  This condition starts in utero, during the development of the neural tube, but it's different than spina bifida.  It can have a similar presentation, but its cause and what's going on in the body are quite different.  Fortunately, this condition does not cause hydrocephalus (build-up of fluid in the brain) as spina bifida can.  Children with sacral agenesis have normal intelligence and are not at any increased risk for learning disabilities or ADHD, as is the case with spina bifida.  Here's what it can cause:  absent or malformed sacrum (the sacrum is a triangular bone that has 5 fused vertebrae S1-S5... they don't fuse until adulthood, and sits below the lumbar vertebrae and just above the "tailbone"  here's a link to a picture of it and definition:  http://www.yourdictionary.com/sacrum
  We're not sure exactly what Hudson's sacrum looks like.  The MRI report simply says:  "posterior element in sacrum are partially deficient and held together by a fibrous band"  So I'm sure we'll figure more stuff out once he's home.  We do feel really blessed at his overall health and stage of sacral agenesis.  Some children born with this condition are missing parts of their lumbar or thoracic spine, can have affected kidneys, have missing bones in their legs or contractures in their legs.  Hudson's kidneys are healthy.  His lumbar and thoracic spine look great, and his legs are relatively normal.  He had a congenital hip dislocation of his L hip and a healed L femur fracture - we think due to his breach position at birth.  He had club feet that were casted.  (His feet are absolutely adorable, they were just turned on their sides at the ankles, and to be honest, still look a little turned so we'll have to see about that when he gets home.)  We also know that he doesn't have normal knee or ankle reflexes, so this tells us his spinal cord and nerves are not functioning properly in his legs.  The two doctors who have reviewed his information for us, tell us that they do not think he will ever walk.  They also say, "never say never, kids are amazing and always surprise us."  We're going to give Hudson the best care we possibly can, and whatever his outcome and level of mobility, we're just fine with that.  We're somewhat hopeful, because we've learned that walking depends a lot on hip movement and control, and he appears to have some level of this from the videos we saw.  But who knows, it's kind of fun to just be surprised by what he can do when we bring him home.  I'm also kind of concerned that he's missing tibias (shin bones) or they are deficient because his calves look different.  Chris thinks, "surely, they would have noticed if he was missing his tibias and only had fibulas."  Who knows.  Another surprise for later! 
     We've learned about many children with this condition.  One kid, Cody, was missing his tibias and patellas (knee caps), so his parents made the very tough decision to amputate his legs above the knee to give him the chance to walk with prosthetics.  He is doing great!  Here's a video on him:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ladcCd9PRLc
Cody's legs were definitely in worse shape than Hudson's are, and to be honest, we don't know yet if Hudson's lower legs can bear weight.  If they can bear weight, or if he has no hip movement and control, amputation would be useless.  We'll just take things one day at a time.  Here's another inspirational story:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIcxbotkkco    Really, just type in challenged athlete profile in youtube, and you'll find all sorts of stories that will change your perspective on people with "disabilities", or exceptional people. 
     Ok, now that I've bored you with all of the medical stuff.  I'll just conclude by saying this:  parenting this precious boy is going to be the biggest challenge of our lives thus far.  We are ready!  Well, as ready as any parent could even be....  We know there are going to be rough days, days where we are exhausted, and Hudson is exhausted, and we don't want to see another doctor, and we don't want him to have to go through another procedure.  There will be days when we're just downright discouraged.  Days where we just ache for him to be like every other "typical" kid, not for our sake, but for his.  But we're counting on every single day with Hudson being an absolute blessing.  We love this little boy with everything we have.  We love his fascination with the world and people around him, his enjoyment of being held, his dark curly hair, his sensitive brown eyes, and his round smiley cheeks.  We can't wait to discover a million other things that we love about him.  We have a conviction that cannot be shaken that God meant for him to be our son.  We will not give up, we will not dwell on the hard things, we will trust in God to walk with us every single day. 
¹⁹ "I remember my affliction and my wandering,
   the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
   and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope:
 ²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.” 
Lamentations: 3:19-24

Ok, just read all of Lamentations... it's good stuff.

Also, congratulations if you've made it this far!  You clearly do not have adult ADHD!

I just want to thank everyone for all their prayers, support, and encouragement.  We have been overhwhelmed by everyone's love and support.  We know we will continue to need it, so thanks in advance for that. 

The end... for now... of course you know I'm going to keep talking about my precious son for the rest of my life! 




  

Timing is Everything

     We received some interesting news this week about the timing of our referral (aka., getting matched with a child).  Chris is scheduled to deploy in Spring of 2013, to return in the Fall of 2013.  This deployment seems pretty certain right now.  The military often changes their minds/schedules/etc., but this one seems unlikely to change.  I am so very glad we let our social worker at Holt know about this schedule.  She had some very interesting news for us.  Thailand can only "hold up" a couple coming to get their child for less than 1 month.  After that, too bad, so sad, that child will go to someone else deemed more fit.  I see their reasoning:  if you can't come get your child right away, we'll give them to someone who can, and what kind of parents are you, anyways, isn't this child the most important thing in the world to you?  Also, both parents have to be present to get their child and appear before the adoption board.  I don't even think Thailand allows single people to adopt, so this may explain some of their reasoning on this one.  (Shh, don't tell them Chris will probably deploy about 6-10 times in the next 16 years... they might just tear up our dossier altogether...) 
     And yes, we prayerfully considered how a military lifestyle and daddy being gone on deployments would affect our future children.  We know that adoption can often make future losses even harder for a child, so it really is a lot to ask of them.  We prayed, we felt a peace about it that God would give us strength and help us give our little ones everything they need to cope.  We just couldn't say no to children who need families.  We might not seem like the perfect family on paper, but we're going to give it all we've got :) 
     So back to the timing issue, there are really only two options:  Either we will get a ridiculouslycrazyinsaneunexplainablemiraculous early match this March.  (Absolutely not likely at all, I mean less than 1% chance... we are #13, other couples are open to medical conditions, this would absolutely be God placing a little one in our hands and saying, "This is my will, this child is for you, this is my timing."  OR... we will get matched next March.  Holt will hold us back from a match for June, September, and December referrals, and then jump us back into the referral group for March of 2013. 
     Why is this:  A June 2012 match would put us getting our child sometime between March and May 2013.  Either just in time for Chris' deployment, or just after... no good, and Chris needs to be present for at least one post-placement visit.  (They happen at 2,4, and 6 months home with our child.)  A September match is even worse, right in the middle of Chris' deployment....not happening.  A December match is too iffy:  He might not be back in time to go get our child.  And we can't imagine if the timing didn't work out, having to give up our precious one just because Thailand couldn't delay things one more month for us. 
    So March of 2013 it is (barring the miracle I mentioned above.)  Then we would be set to get our child in Thailand around December 2013-February 2014.  There are many positives to this:  Chris and I would have gotten through our first deployment.  We will have 2 YEARS to prepare for being parents, to grow in our faith, to save for maybe 3 more adoptions.  2 YEARS to read and learn about adoption, to learn Thai, to collect darling little trinkets and make and sew treasures for our long-awaited child.  2 YEARS to learn patience, and maturity, and trust in God. 
   Before you start thinking, "Wow, I wish I had her patience, what a great attitude!"  A few days ago, this was NOT where my heart was.  A few days ago, I said to Chris, "I hate your stupid job!  Why can't you just deploy now?"  Wow, that's pretty hurtful.  I basically said, "I'm not thankful for the extra year God has given us together before your first deployment, just leave so we can get a child faster...."  And, "I hate your stupid job." is pretty much the biggest lie I've ever told.  I am so incredibly proud of Chris and what he does.   I can't imagine him doing anything else.  I can't imagine not being a Marine Corps wife.  This is God's purpose for us right now.  I have no doubts about that.  I let my emotions and my immaturity get the best of me.  Something I really need to work on in the next 2 years.  Chris, as usual, stayed completely calm, and patient, and waited until I was ready to apologize 10 minutes later.  (It doesn't usually take me too long after an outburst to realize I was a total jerkface.)  Why can't I just shove a cookie in my mouth or something?
     Thankfully, God has humbled me.  He has gently let me know, once again, that He's in control of all of this.  We will have our child when He wants us to have our child.  We will have the child He wants us to have.  We will trust Him in the meantime.  A few weeks ago, God led me to Isaiah 49.  I shared this passage with a friend, who was also struggling with waiting through their adoption process.  Little did I know that God was speaking to me too.  In this passage, Isaiah is telling the Israelites what Jesus will someday do.  The Israelites have been in exile in Babylon for over 2 generations.  When finally, there is hope.  The Persian King Cyrus overthrows Babylon and frees the Israelites.  I'm claiming this truth for my life...for all the children out there waiting patiently for their families and unconditional love...

Isaiah 49: 14-18 (emphasis mine)
14"But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
   the Lord has forgotten me.”
 15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
   and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
   I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
   your walls are ever before me.
17 Your children hasten back,
   and those who laid you waste depart from you.
18 Lift up your eyes and look around;
   all your children gather and come to you. As surely as I live,” declares the LORD,
   “you will wear them all as ornaments;
   you will put them on, like a bride.
  

 Oh, and if we do get that ridiculouslycrazyinsaneunexplainablemiraculous early match this March... you'll be the first to know :) 
    

The Kids that Changed My Life

     As I mentioned before, the summer I spent in India changed my life.  I was at a large orphanage with maybe, 1,000 kids.  I went there with, really, nothing to offer.  I had no medical expertise, no theological training, no teaching experience, I just went.  I helped out at the orphanage clinic, and I helped reorganize the orphanage library and tutor children there.  What I realized was, the kids at the orphanage could care less about what my background or training was.  They just wanted someone to spend time with them; someone to tell them how precious they were; someone to pray with them and encourage them.  These kids I left behind changed my life forever.  They're the reason I want to adopt, the reason I want everyone I know to adopt!

     The one thing all of these children had in common was their desire for a family.  Some of the children were true orphans.  They came from parts of the country where the fighting and violence was so severe, whole families were killed.  Some were found in the streets.  Others had one or even both parents living, but due to economic reasons, safety reasons, or other problems in the family, they could not live at home and have enough to eat or be cared for.  The one thing that surprised me is, even the children who still had parents living, who maybe got to see their parents once or twice a year, they still would have gladly hopped on a plane with a family willing to give them a permanent home.  I don't know if this is just because of the allure of "America" in general, or if it was just their desire to be in a permanent home, with loving parents who could be there for them any minute.  I think it was probably a combination of both.  I think it completely stinks, though, for families to be separated just because of poverty, and I hope we can keep working to end that.  For many of these kids, though, poverty was not the only issue. 

 

   
 The orphanage really did the best they could with all of these children, considering their limited resources.  The children were treated well, got to go to school, got medical care, and had enough to eat.  The one thing that was really lacking, was the number of adult workers in the orphanage.  They had a set-up where the teenagers would be chosen as room leaders.  They would be in charge of a room full of 30 children, varying in age from 3 years old to 15 years old or so.  They would make sure every child did their chores, got dressed, bathed, got their meals, did their school work, etc.  I was so impressed with these room leaders.  Granted it's more responsibility than most teenagers should have, but they were amazing.  They really took care of the children. 

I was impressed with all of the kids in general.  They took care of each other.  They made their own little family units within the orphanage.  But that didn't replace their need for a family of their own.  These children changed my life.  Maybe they'll change yours too.

     By the way, lest you think I'm actually a good photographer, most of these pictures were taken by a dear friend of mine that I met in India.  Her family is about to go do more amazing things in the world...she's the coolest. 

     It wouldn't be right to share this post without pointing out what amazing people my parents are.  They let their 20 year-old daughter, go to India, BY HERSELF (As in, no mission trip group here, literally, a solo mission), for 2 months.  I showed up at the airport in Delhi, and looked for a guy holding up a sign with my name on it.  My parents knew very little about the orphanage I was going to, and the organization that funded the orphanage.  Still, they let me go.  They never even shared any doubts or fears with me AT ALL.  They bought me a camera, some new luggage, and hugged me goodbye.  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for always supporting my crazy dreams.  I've learned so much from you guys that will help me be a better parent someday. 

What #13 Means

So we are #13 on the waiting list.  Matches or "Referrals" as they're called in the adoption world don't happen at any given time for Holt's Thailand program.  There are 4 distinct matching periods each year. Usually they fall at the end of December, March, June, and September.  This December, the matches actually happened in November.  I think it was due to the flooding in Thailand, and everything being off schedule, but I'm not sure why that meant the matches came earlier rather than later.  I'm just so happy for the familes who got their referrals!  They didn't even have to sit by the phone for a whole month!  By the way, does the word "referral" seem weird to you?  I think of referral as, "I know a really great hairdresser, here's her card."  Or, "I know a great ob/gyn...not at all awkward (harder to find than you'd think)"  Not, "I've got this really great baby in mind for you, here's their info."  I guess there's not a better word for it, baby-in-waiting?  Usually, 4 children are matched each "quarter".  One time, they did have an unusually large group of 7 referrals.  I don't think they've had a referral group of less than four, but correct me if I'm wrong, experienced adoptive parents!  So, being #13 means that Holt estimates we will get a referral this coming September.  This is assuming that at least one of the upcoming referral groups will have 5 children instead of 4.  Our situation is a little less predictable, because we are open to quite a few medical conditions, some quite serious, others more minor.  So, if for some reason, a precious little one with a medical condition that we said yes to, and the other familes were not comfortable saying yes to comes up on the list, then we would all of a sudden move to the "front of the line" so to speak, and receive an early referral.  I'm not really sure how often this happens.  I do know there are other families open to some medical conditions and are ahead of us in line, so I don't think it's super likely for us to move way ahead.  But that's ok, because it means more healthy children are being born, and I'll never complain about that!  The childen, at age of referral, are typically between 7-14 months old.  To apply for the Thailand program, we had to say yes to a child, of either gender, ages 0-2 years old.  This is just fine by us.  We LOVE toddlers, and I'm not a huge newborn type of girl.  They're adorable, but I've always found toddlers so much more fun and enjoyable.  I know we will grieve the loss of those special baby moments with our child, but we're ok with that. 

Holt recommends that everyone have their referral information reviewed by a doctor who has experience in international adoption. Even if the child is completely healthy, they always recommend a second look.  Or even if you know you're open to just about anything, it's worth it to have someone tell you in more detail what to expect and prepare for in your child.  After reviewing your child's file, you have the opportunity to say yes or no to the referral.  Holt never holds it against you if you say no.  They want to be sure you are completely comfortable and capable to parent any particular child.  And, let's face it, every child deserves to be in a home where their parents were confident they were meant to be their child. 

After match, we don't rush right over to Thailand and get our little one.  Although, every single adoptive parent will tell you they so wish that was the case!  The waiting period after referral seems to be excruciating from what I can gather from those who have been there.  So, the waiting period to go bring your little one home is a minimum 9 months, and lately, it has been stretching out into 14 months.  The longer waiting periods have been caused by some disruption in positions in the Thai government, along with the severe flooding in Thailand.  I'm hoping the waiting period slowly goes back down towards the 9 month mark, but there's no way to know for sure. 

Ok, that's all for now.  To recap:  #13 means we probably won't have any news of a child until next September.  In the meantime, we'll learn everything we can to prepare for this adventure!  And, please, ask whatever questions you'd like.  I know this process can be really confusing and daunting.  I'm happy to answer anything and everything!  I hope giving all the little details might make the process less scary and inspire someone else to consider adoption :)

Our Decision to Adopt, Part 1 (of many!)

Thanks for sharing in this journey with us. I'm not generally a "share everything with everyone" kind of person, but I've learned so much from reading others' adoption blogs that I had to pay it forward. Also, as a military family, we live far away from many of our family and friends, so this blog serves as a way to keep them posted on everything we'll forget to tell them about on the phone.

I can already see Chris rolling his eyes at the name of this blog. "Beth Anne", he'll say, "me being a jet pilot is not what defines us." "Yes, Chris," I'll rebuff, "but it does have a pretty big impact on many areas of our life. It dictates where we live, when you will be in or out of the country, your work schedule, and who (a lot of) our friends are. Plus also, "jetland" just represents the craziness that is our life. We've moved 5 times in the 4.5 years that we've been married, and now we're planning to adopt maybe, 5 or so kids? (And pause, so all the experienced adoptive parents can laugh at our lofty goals.) Ok, so we're taking this adoption thing one step at a time, one child at a time, but I'm pretty sure if the first one goes well, we'll keep going... and going... we just have a heart for these kids, and who are we to question what God gives us a passion about?

The decision: Ever since I spent 2 months at an orphanage in India at the age of 20, I've had a heart for orphans. I knew, at that point, that adoption would be a part of my life. I still think about the kids I left behind, and pray for them often. The one thing I realized is that every child is so incredibly precious, and every child deserves a family to love them unconditionally. (A lot of you reading this blog are much better people than me... you realized this without God having to drag you around the world to show you!) For Chris, the decision didn't happen overnight, he's just the most caring guy you could ever meet, and generally, if I feel passionately about something, so does he. Yes, I'm really, really lucky. So, last fall, we started talking about where our lives were headed and what was most important to us. Being parents came up, and we both decided we were ready for that. Then adoption came up, we both knew we wanted to adopt at some point, but we always thought we'd ease into parenting with a biological child, then look into adoption. Then all of a sudden, we were thinking, why not?! We know we want to adopt. We have more time, resources, and money right now to make this happen. So we prayed about it, both felt a peace, and moved forward.

The next decision was what type of adoption to pursue. There's domestic, intercountry, foster-to-adopt, embryo adoption... and a bunch of variations of each of those types of adoption. I immediately wanted to pursue intercountry adoption. Big surprise, considering all the children in India I remembered by name. It's just where my heart is. Chris initially leaned towards domestic adoption. He wanted a child as young as possible, and as an active-duty military family, it seemed like a slightly easier route (logistically) than inter-country. I discussed some of the reasons I felt strongly about intercountry adoption: It can be more difficult, logistically, so less families may be willing to go this route. If you look at the sheer number of orphans in the world, compared to the number of orphans in the U.S., it seemed like more people need to be signing up for intercountry adoption. The other strong opinion I had was this: A healthy infant in the U.S. will always get a home, while a toddler or older child in another country, especially one with a medical condition, may wait months, or years to get a home. I guess I just sort of felt like there was a greater need for intercountry adoption, but that doesn't at all mean we don't need lots of people to adopt domestically or foster-to-adopt, it really just goes back to where my heart was. Really, what we need, is for anyone who has a heart for adoption, to look into it, pursue it, or support these children however they can. After "pleading my case" so to speak, we both toook a week to pray about it. Much to my surprise, Chris came back and said he wanted to pursue intercountry adoption, and that he was open to medical conditions in a child as well. I was so incredibly happy! Usually, if I really feel strongly about something, I can communicate well enough to persuade Chris. He claims that it's completely unfair, because he has great points for his side, but just can't communicate them as well. Confession time: sometimes I even KNOW that Chris' side really should win, but I STILL talk him into agreeing with me. Terrible, I know. I'm working on it. In this case, I stayed silent. I knew that for such an important decision, it was God who needed to put us both on the same page, and no amount of smooth talking would work. God delivered, and we moved forward.

More to come. I could talk about adoption all day!