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Friday, June 14, 2013

My Love will Find You

     Last night was the very first night I read my favorite children's book to Holden-- "Wherever You Are, my Love will Find You" by Nancy Tillman.  When Holden first came home, he would only listen to about two words on each page before he was grappling to turn it and look at the new picture.  I didn't want to bring out these special books only to have him tear through them.  Yesterday, I realized how far Holden has come.  His attention span is incredible.  He has an animal book and can name over 65 different animals... both in real life and in books.  This is not just repeating sounds.  I will point to the animal, and he immediately calls out its name.  This child amazes me every day. 

     I received several Nancy Tillman books from a dear friend as soon as she found out we were "matched" with Holden last January.  The first time I read through these books, my eyes filled with tears.  Wherever You Are, especially, contained the deepest longing of my heart:  that Holden would know and feel both mine and Chris' love, but also God's love from thousands of miles away.  My prayer throughout the adoption process, more than any other request, was that God would make His presence and love known to our sweet boy.  That somehow God would impress on this little boy's heart that everything would be ok--that he was loved with an incredible, eternal, limitless love. 

     The waiting was so hard.  Harder than I ever would have admitted at the time.  I casually brushed it off when other people asked about it, because if I had told you how I really felt, I would have burst into tears every time.  I did burst into tears plenty of times pleading with God as I tried to sleep at night, "Please, please bring our little boy home; Please cover him in your love."  When you have no idea when the end will come, and there is no due date, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to bring your child home any faster, it is just hard.  It's a time when you really learn to depend on God and trust that He is at work, because that is really all you can do.  I'm thankful for that lesson.

    God answered my prayers in bigger ways than I ever dreamed.  God provided Holden with a foster mother who loves God and prayed and taught Holden about Jesus daily.  God provided Holden with peace and comfort as he transitioned to our family.  Most of all, God has given Holden this incredible joy that I believe can only come from Him.  Holden continues to amaze Chris and I every day, and we are overwhelmed with God's blessing and provision during this adoption.

     When I would read this book during our time of waiting for Holden, I pictured reading it to a quiet, timid, scared-to-death little boy.  I never imagined that at just two months home, I would read this book to an expressive, joyful little guy -- that he would ooooooo and ahhh at every page and point out: hippo! water!  elephant! kangaroo!  sheep sleeping! bear dancing!  I was smiling in amazement as we read together while tears streamed down my face.  Holden Anil, you are a ball of pure joy, and I can't get over it.   

     I love how the very first page of the book sums up my thoughts both during our wait and forever as Holden's mom:

I wanted you more
than you ever will know
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.

The book goes on to describe a love that goes as high and wide as you need it to -- a love that is with you no matter what you are doing or where you go. 

My love as a parent will certainly fail at this sometimes, but the book really describes God's love.

Your unfailing love, O LORD, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.  Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O LORD.  How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.   
~ Psalm 36:5-7

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
~Romans 8:38-39

My other favorite passage is this:

And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair,
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

     Again, that's God's love and His making His presence known, and I am convinced that He did this for Holden during our wait, and continues to do this for Holden as He draws Holden to Himself. 

     My desperate prayer for Holden is that he'll continue to feel God's love, and that one day He'll respond to God's call on his life and choose faith in Jesus. 

     My other desperate prayer is that I won't get in the way of God's love.  I am so fallen -- so imperfect, and honestly, the only good love I can offer Holden is when it comes directly from God.  I just want to be a vessel that spills out some of God's love, and gets out of the way of what God is doing. 

    Thank you, Lord, for this incredible little boy.  Thank you for loving Him with your perfect love and being patient enough to teach me how to be a vessel for that. 

I'll leave you with a sweet picture of my little joy ball. 



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